Grieving in Color Episode #3:

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Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:00:05] Welcome to Grieving in Color, a podcast that explores the various ways we navigate our experiences with grief and loss and a place where we find courage to intentionally heal in our daily lives. I'm your host, Dr. Chinasa Elue, a professor, speaker, and grief coach. And I'm inviting you to join me on this journey, embracing our grief and the full spectrum of our emotions, a palette of feelings that colors our lives even in the face of loss. Each episode, we dive into real stories of healing and growth, as we also feature guests who have found strength in sorrow, love in loss and joy even in their darkest times. Grieving in color is about acknowledging the pain, the loss, and the grief. But it is also about finding hope, love and joy again. Whether you are currently on your grief journey or supporting someone who is, this is a space for you. We are here to remind you that you are not alone, and it's okay to grieve in your own color.

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Hey, good people. Welcome to the Grieving in Color Podcast. I am so excited for our guest joining us today as we discuss the grief we experience when a friendship ends. So let me introduce my wonderful guest to you before we kick things off today. Without further ado, I have Kristen “KB” Newton joining me today. I'm going to read her bio directly because I don't want to miss a beat, because she has done some amazing things in the field at large.

With more and more adults struggling to have deep, meaningful connection in their relationships, Kristen "KB" Newton has made it her mission to champion deep, meaningful connection with her practical framework called H.E.A.R.T. Convos. KB is a Connection Coach, Consultant, Artist and internationally known TEDx Speaker. KB looks forward to having conversations that matter with us today. And as she has with many others who have become members, coaching students and challenge participants of her work. Hundreds of people have been impacted by her H.E.A.R.T. Convos framework and are finding deep, meaningful connection successfully. And as we have this conversation today, we know you will too. So I want to first just welcome, KB to the podcast. KB welcome. Thank you so much for being here today. How are you today?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:02:30] Thank you for having me. It is always a pleasure to share an audience and be invited to talk to someone's audience. So thank you for having me. It means a lot. And today has been a day. Listen.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:02:42] Absolutely.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:02:43] But I am very happy to be here.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:02:46] Thank you so much, and we're so excited to have you here today. Especially as we're talking about how we navigate grief in the midst of friendships. We know that grief is a deeply personal experience that we have at times, oftentimes is very complex. And so when we have a friendship that ends, there are so many unresolved issues that tend to materialize, right? And most especially grief. And this is something that we don't typically talk about, but I know that you are the right person here today to have this conversation. And so you're known as the connection coach, and I would love to know more about how you're intentional about offering your friend tips. And if you could explain to the audience today what your friend tips are, because they are literal gems, y'all. If you have not seen them, you'll get her contact information afterwards. But KB, if you could talk a little bit more about how you have been intentional about supporting others who are finding it difficult to create deep and meaningful friendships and maybe some challenges you've noticed in the midst of your work.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:03:46] Sure. So I started H.E.A.R.T. Convos, kind of out of a place of discontent in my life and wanted the conversation around friendship to be happening. And so after lots of prayer and kind of soul searching, trying to figure out what's going on, and then also the pandemic.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:04:04] Absolutely.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:04:05] I was like, okay, what would I want to not just do for free? What would I not just pay someone to do, but what would I want to do that if I wasn't doing it life would not feel like living? And it came back to this space of helping women navigate the tension that naturally exists in friendships. And so that's kind of where H.E.A.R.T. Convos started, where it was birthed, because friendship has played a huge role in my life, like in my relationship with God, in my being a healthy wife and mom and just person. And I felt like, especially before the pandemic friendship is not something that people were talking about. If you were going to have a conversation about relationships, it's going to be dating relationships, marriage, family, right? But nobody's like, let's talk about our friends. You know what I mean?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:04:54] Absolutely.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:04:55] And so that's kind of where it started. Friendship also naturally carries the same amount of challenge that all these other relationships do. And I don't think that people expect that. Like, I can have issues with my family. I know that we going to struggle to get this communication thing together while we dating, but in friendships, everything should just kind of happen. If it's meant to be, if you're a good friend, it'll all just kind of flow. And we have these unrealistic expectations and being a millennial, like knocking on 40, right? I think about how crucial friendship has been for me especially at this age. However, a lot of women that I talk to in their 30s are finding themselves in the loneliest places they've ever felt. And so, as I saw it be a pattern in my own life and in the lives of other people that I know love and trust, I was like, you know what? Somebody's got to start this conversation.

And so in 2018, we started making content and building some things out, and that's where the H.E.A.R.T. Convos acronym was birthed. That's where I started kind of championing deep, meaningful connection and finding that there was a huge audience of people that wanted guidance in this area. And so hence the connection coach, connection consultant. And yeah, it's expanded to a lot of different places since then, but that's kind of how it all kind of came together, how everything just has gotten to where it is.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:06:27] Yeah. I love that so much. You hit a major point here just mentioning that we have all these other relationships that oftentimes are given to us, whether it's we choose our relationships with our partners or spouse, or the family members that we naturally are just born with or born into. But the friends, the people that we have access to by choice, because we've chosen to be in community with them, those relationships oftentimes aren't as heavily talked about, especially when there's something that arises that causes the relationship to go awry. So thank you for that insight here.

You have some friend tips on your social media platforms, and there's one that stood out to me over the past couple of weeks, and I wanted to read it out for the listeners today because I think it will help kind of frame some of our conversation today. So, friend tip number 12, so I'm going to read it directly because it was spot on. It says," If you are uncertain about the status of a friendship, say something. This is not the time to be quiet. Make a scene for the sake of getting insight and saving the connection." And so, given that gem that you dropped, in your opinion, why do you think people are hesitant to gain insight into the status of a friendship that may be on the brink of ending?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:07:47] It's a great question, and I think it's for that reason. There is a expectation that what's on the other side of what I'm going to ask is not what I want, so I'm just going to avoid it all together.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:07:59] Okay?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:08:00] And we do that all the time, right? We tell ourselves stories with information that we may or may not have and we just start drafting the narrative. And then what happens is we end up avoiding the opportunity to lean in or to pursue connection or understanding or reconciliation or whatever it might be, because we've told ourself this is going to go bad. And so, friend tips are just these little nuggets, these principles, these precepts that you can kind of take and internalize and really think like, okay, is there an opportunity that I'm avoiding that I need to lean into?

And I tell people all the time, like, having the conversation is not as hard as you think, but we tell ourself, this is going to be hard. This is going to be hard. And in the midst of telling yourself it's going to be hard, all this time is passing, right? All these opportunities are being missed. And now, if ever you arrive to the place where you're like, I'm going to say something, it sometimes it's too late. So that's why I say, this is not the time to sit back and be passive and Oh, I'll get to it later. No, no, no. If you see something, say something, right?

Like, if you feel like something's off, even if you don't have all the language, you can at least be transparent and vulnerable to say, hey, things just feel weird. Or things feel off right now. Like, has something happened? Can we talk about where we're at? Because again, creating space for those conversations creates opportunity for connection, whereas avoiding conversation, there is no opportunity for connection.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:09:39] Ooh, I love that so much, right? The avoidance that tends to happen when we know the hard conversation has to take place, right? Oftentimes that's why, we probably are seeing some of these trends where some of the friendships that we've had for a long time are starting to fade away, right? And so as we get into our conversation today, I want to mention that a big component of Grieving in Color is acknowledging the pain and the loss and the grief that exists in our lives. And also talking about the ways that we're able to find hope, love, and joy again. So can you talk about what grieving in color looks like in the realm of grieving the loss of a friendship? Have you had a personal experience with friendship loss? I know you talked about during the pandemic and pre pandemic. This is one of the reasons why you started the podcast. Can you give some insights into what you think it means to grieve in color the loss of a friendship?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:10:34] Yes, because I've had a lot of friendship breakups. What's funny is people know me as Miss H.E.A.R.T. Convos, and I do the friendship thing, and I love people, and I am full blown extrovert. When I tell you I can get a wall to talk to me, listen, I'm here for all the people. And so, yes, I've had a lot of relationships and I've had a lot of relationships not end well. And so that has come with a lot of grief. And sadness, and all the things. So I can specifically talk to them. Can I just say, I did an article for Ted and in that article I talk about how to your brain, a breakup is a breakup. So your brain doesn't know that the breakup was romantic or that it was a friendship, or you broke up with your coworker at the job or whatever, like to your brain, a breakup is a breakup.

However, the way we navigate breakup in our culture is that if you've broken up with your romantic partner, there's all this grace and space for you to be wherever you are. So you walking through all the stages of grief, right? You pissed off, you Jazmine Sullivan, like scream, I bust the windows at your car. You have permission to be that. Oh, he did what? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Be mad. You also have permission to be in a whip for weeks, right? Like, you ain't coming outside, you ain't taking showers, you eating ice cream, you Netflix, and it's like, oh, she did what? That makes sense. I get it. I get it Brû. Like, you get what I mean?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:12:22] I get you.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:12:23]We get that in friendship. We have not given one another permission to feel that much or to care that much about other people. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:12:35] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:12:36] It's almost kind of like, if you care that much, what I have seen is people will be, oh, you're doing too much. Like, I mean, that's not your man. Like, it's just a friend. Like, what are you doing?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:12:46] Yeah.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:12:47] Right? We also don't give people permission to grieve in friendship if it wasn't lifelong. So it's like if you and your childhood best friend breakup, we get it. Y'all been friends since y'all was eight, but it can't be, oh, I met this person last summer. We connected really quickly. We've been enjoying one another. There's been some type of either offense or a miss in communication, and now we're not talking anymore. I don't have permission to feel awry about that. You get what I'm saying?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:13:18] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:13:19] And I think all of these expectations that society has kind of put around friendship, make it difficult for people to really deal with the fact that they cared as much, that they let themself love as much. And I honestly believe that there is no greater love than any person can have for another person than a man who would lay down his life for his friend and not lay down his life for his spouse or for his kids, or for his mama, but for his friend. Because again, you're not protected by the rings, right? There's no covenant protection in friendship.

There's no bloodline connection in friendship. Like you're choosing to sacrifice, to love, to be loyal to. And that's the greatest love you can possibly have. So when it goes wrong, I'm like, baby.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:14:07] Okay.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:14:08] You need to grieve that because the love that you are giving into that space, I would argue is the greatest love that you can give anybody. Because you won't have to give it. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:14:22] It makes perfect sense.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:14:23] So then when you don't have to give it and then it don't work, we need to grieve. You know what I'm saying? Like, we need to be in denial about it. Like, no, we still friends, it's going to work. We need to be able to be angry, we need to be able to be depressed. We need to be able to go through all those waves. And so that's just my thoughts about grief and friendship in general. I can give you countless examples of how I have failed in friendship and well, I'll just give you one. I had I think one of the first ones that I navigated was with a friend out of college. And the seasons were changing. I was a year ahead of her. She was dating a guy. They were going to get married.

And I wanted [indiscernible 00:15:07] and I'm the kind of person that I'm like out of sight out of mind. And so when you're in front of me, you are the most important person to me. When we're not in that, like, doing life every day, I don't do a good job of like keeping up, following up, calling. And that was offensive to a lot of people in my life in different seasons. And I didn't consider it valuable to consider the needs of those friends in those seasons. I kind of did what I tell you people like do. And I was like, it's not that serious. Right? Which is why I can speak so candidly to a lot of things because I have literally done-

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:15:48] Lived it.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:15:49] All of the foolishness . So I'm not talking about anybody except myself. Okay. So I have made people feel really small about being offended about things that I didn't think were important.

And when the friendship ended, it left a gap that I didn't think would be as big. And for some people, I mean, just having a person to talk about your day with every day, and now that person's not there, that's a gap. You get what I mean. Which when it comes to loneliness, people think that loneliness is about isolation. Sometimes loneliness is just the space that exists between the relationships you have and the ones that you don't or the ones that you want rather. And so it's not that you don't have any relationships, you just don't have the relationship you want. And so now you feel lonely. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:16:45] That makes good sense.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:16:46] And so when you lose a friend and that gap presents itself, you can either start filling that gap with things, you can start unpacking what's in that gap. Does that make sense? And so once I finally gave myself permission to care and to be as hurt as I was, I was able to start that grieving process before a long time. I avoided grieving in color because I did not give myself permission to grieve. Not this.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:17:18] Wow. That is honestly so profound. And as you were talking about society's perceptions around what we get to grieve, right? Particularly the lack of grace that's afforded for grieving a friendship that hit home, honestly. And I just truly appreciate those insights, honestly, because we don't talk about it as a society in terms of what it means to lose a friend, to lose someone that we were doing life with each and every day, and how that might be impacting us. And the permission piece, I think that is a nugget that people have to hold onto. Because if anything, that probably is the starting point for us beginning to heal in the midst of this deep pain that we may be feeling in that loss.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:18:02] Can I say something?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:18:03] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:18:04] Our nervous systems, right? And I'm going to try not to geek out because, I can get on a psychologist, be like, let's talk about our bodies. Shout out to Danielle Anderson. She helps me with my nervous system work. But when your emotions, right? Your emotions are energy in motion in your body, that is what your emotions are. When you have sad energy in motion in your body, it's trying to communicate something. Okay? So when you're like, man, I feel sad, the question is, what should that energy in motion in my body give me energy to do? And so when sadness is flowing through your body, it should give you energy to grieve because that energy is communicating to you there has been a loss. So whenever you feel sad about something, it's because you've lost something.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:18:55] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:18:56] And so that energy is saying, Hey, you need to grieve this because something has been lost. You need to grieve this. That is the whole purpose of sad energy flowing through your body, is to tell your body you need to grieve.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:19:09] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:19:10] But what we do is we try not to act like we say, I ain't sad, I don't care. We go into this indifferent, we try to numb, we try to harden, we go to all these places except vulnerability, right? And so just to admit, I'm sad. Like I feel awry. What is this supposed to give me energy to do? Grieve, be upset, be disappointed, be in denial, cry, whatever you need, talk it out. Because if you don't, that energy just keeps flowing or you push it down and you suppress it.

And in our space, we say that, when people don't give themselves permission to acknowledge the energy that's going on in their body and they try to just suppress it. It's kind of like holding your breath. And so I would encourage anybody listening to me right now to just cover their mouth with your hand and your other hand cover your nose and see how long you can do that. So, 30 seconds breath, 45 seconds breath. Or some of y'all two minutes, whatever, right? People take pride in the fact that they can keep more emotion suppressed for longer than others. Okay? So you go two minutes not breathing.

At some point your body will naturally start reacting. What will it do? It'll start jerking, convulsing. Because it's saying, hey, hey, hey, we need air. We need air. We need air. And if you don't give it air, you'll eventually, right? Suffocate. But however, when you give it air, what is the natural response you hear?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:20:57] Yeah.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:20:58] Right? This like deep, okay, so let's take this picture and put it to our emotions. You suppress, you suppress, you suppress, you holding your breath in motion. And now you have the cashier at Target who looked at you sideways and says or whatever. And you find yourself having these reactions. That's your body jerking. Your body's saying, hey, we don't have enough air. And so now emotionally you become reactive and there might not be big reactions, but you'll be like, oh, I acted out to character there. Or, oh, I popped off a little bit there. And then all of a sudden at the opportune time, there will be an opportunity to present your emotion in a situation and you will let it all go. And that is your body going because you need it to get it out. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:21:51] It makes good sense. Yes. We need-

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:21:54] So I encourage people to practice breathing emotionally and paying attention to the energy in their body. And to know what that energy is trying to communicate to them, specifically sadness that is encouraging us to breathe.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:22:08] Ooh, that is a excellent exercise. And I hope those who are listening today will take you up for that challenge and really, really take the time to practice breathing emotionally. I can only imagine the goodness that will come from just engaging in the exercise itself. So I wanted to ask you, as we're talking about grief in our friendships, you had a post recently where you mentioned that people tolerate more than they should in relationships because they fear losing people. So can you talk about perhaps the signs that we may need to acknowledge when a friendship needs to come to an end? What are some telltale signs that people can be aware of when they know it's time to put close that chapter?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:22:52] Sure. So let me just say H.E.A.R.T. Convos, my platform is not just about having conversations from the heart, H.E.A.R.T. is actually an acronym. And so the acronym stands for the five conversations that most people avoid, but to me, are the only conversations worth having. So they are honest, elephant sized, authentic, real, transparent conversations. So just real quickly, the definition for each is pretty easy.

An honest conversation is going to be a conversation without deceit. No pretense. Okay? Truthful. An elephant sized conversation is going to be addressing either the elephant in the room, the issue that everybody sees that nobody wants to talk about, but it's thinking of the place or the larger than life topics like heavy, big topics, trauma, disappointment, whatever. Authentic conversations are conversations where you're showing up as your most authentic self. You're not pretending to be someone that you're not, right?

You're not pretending to value things that you don't, you're showing up authentically. A real conversation is not about being real, it's about addressing real issues in real time. So what that means is not keeping a record of wrong. Conversations where you are talking about what's going on now. I give people this example all the time that I've been married, 11 years. And sometimes me and my husband will get in a conversation and it'll start about the dishes. But then 20 minutes in, I'm talking about something that happened three months ago. And he like, why did you say something three months ago? The real issue in real time is the dishes we have now spawned off to all these different things. And now I don't even know what we're arguing about because we're not talking about the real issue. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:24:36] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:24:37] So that's what the R is. Lastly, transparent conversations are when you are allowing people to see into things that they can't see unless you expose them. So, I went to high school in the 90s, and we used to have these projection machines that would put the teacher's notes on the window and I mean, on the wall. So she'd turn off the lights and turn on this machine, the room would turn orange and she'd pull out this paper and it's like wok, wok, wok, wok like the frog and put it on the machine.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:25:10] You are taking me back here.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:25:11] And yeah.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:25:12] Okay.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:25:13] That's how old I am.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:25:14] Hey, I'm right behind you. Don't worry.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:25:15] And so that is how you would see what whatever she wrote on the paper would project to the wall. That paper was transparent. And so when you have transparent conversations, there's nothing hidden. Everything is see through. So I'm telling you my thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, my values, my beliefs. You get what I mean? You can't look at me and tell that stuff. So having transparent conversation is about revealing what people just can't see. If you're having those five conversations, you are having H.E.A.R.T. conversations.

The thing is though, people don't consider these H.E.A.R.T. conversations. They think these are hard conversations. Oh, so hard to be honest. I can't show up as my real self. Because what if they don't, blah, blah, blah. Right? Everybody would say that these five kinds of conversations are hard. And so I give that context, thinking about your question. When people aren't willing to lean into these conversations, it takes the relationship to an end.

And so when you think about how do I know if I should keep leaning in or not leaning in. I tell people all the time, if a person is resisting these five conversations, and when I say resisting, it's not that they are bad at it, because you can have these conversations poorly and that counts, right? So not being good at hard conversations is not a reason to quit. But if they are accusing, they're resisting, they're trying to keep these five things from happening, that is usually a telltale sign. Oh, this relationship won't work. But people will say, a relationship won't work if people aren't amazing at these things. And that to me is not a qualifier. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:27:17] That makes good sense.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:27:18] Yeah. I can be in a relationship with somebody who wants to practice being honest, but struggles with it versus a person who is refusing to be honest. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:27:29] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:27:30] I can be in a relationship with somebody who's conflict avoidant. They won't address elephant in the room because everything about their narrative or their person just hates conflict. We can work through that. And, but if you are going to gaslight and be like, what are you talking about? There isn't any issues. Like, we don't have any elephant. We can't work together. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:27:52] It makes good sense.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:27:54] And so again, when a person is resisting, that's probably a telltale sign. It's over. I want to challenge people to increase their capacity for doing the hard thing. Because everybody's on that soft life right now.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:28:09] Come on.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:28:10] Everybody wants it easy. If it don't click, it don't work. And I'm like, listen, again, it could be a generational thing, but in my mind I'm like, anything worth having requires work and anything worth having will probably have resistance. One of my mentors said that disruption follows intention all the time. And it's like, as soon as you make up your mind to do a thing, to be the person you want to be, to pursue the thing you've always wanted, disruption is going to show up. But in friendship when that happens, it's like, ah, this ain't meant to be. And I'm like, you going to miss out on a good thing because you have no capacity for difficult or for leaning in. And there's so much character development that happens when people work through something together. I'm like, it's not just good for y'all, it's good for you to learn how to love when it's not easy to love. To learn how to be patient when it's taking forever. You get what I mean?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:29:17] Absolutely.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:29:18] And what's funny is everybody want to ascribed to marriage or ascribe to having their person or ascribe to whatever they want to ascribe to, even if it's to be the CEO of the company or to be super successful, whatever. And let me tell you something, in order to attain any of those things, you need to build up the endurance.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:29:41] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:29:42] And the ability to strive, to work, to do the thing when nobody else is looking, to do the right thing, because it's the right thing, you know?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:29:54] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:29:55] And you can practice that in friendship.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:29:56] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:29:57] Without all the consequences. Because you going to mess around and wait and not do it in friendship and just think it's going to show up because you found your person. And I'm like, listen, the muscle will not be very strong.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:30:14] Come on.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:30:15] So, there's that.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:30:12] Yes. There's so many growth opportunities that can happen when we are challenged in friendship and I'm so glad you hit on that. I know at times and I don't know if this is generational or it might be just this current narrative around the soft life that you mentioned earlier and just the unwillingness to muscle through or struggle through to getting to the good thing or the good aspects of what a relationship could be. So I know at times people are quick to cut off a friend, especially if they feel like they're not checking for them or they're not coming around as much as they used to.

We know that life and seasons will always ebb and flow. Sometimes there's some really easy seasons and sometimes things are just happening, right? Life has a way of unfolding at times where we sometimes may move into a place of isolation. So what would you say if a friendship has grown cold or distant under what circumstances perhaps do you believe reconciliation is possible or beneficial? You've already started tapping into this a little bit, but what advice could you offer to someone perhaps who is thinking that a person was their friend, but the relationship seems a little distant or cold because they haven't been coming around this much?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:31:16] Okay. If a person thinks that a relationship has grown cold because the dynamic has changed, my first bit of advice would be to lean in. It's like, oh, we haven't talked in a while. I'm like, okay, so here's an opportunity. There's an opportunity to have a hard conversation because time has passed. You look at your text and you're like, oh man, it's been months since we texted over. You're like, oh, they haven't called in a while. I haven't reached out in a while. It's in that moment when you're assessing the measure of the relationship. So the temperature with the example you gave, you're assessing, Hmm, this feels cold, not warm or hot. There is an opportunity to lean in and to have a conversation. What happens right at that moment is once a person deduces man, we've grown cold, they now start telling themself a story about what that should mean moving forward. Well, dang, if she hasn't called in a while, then dot, dot, dot. Well, dang, we haven't hung out. Dang. Last time she texted me was, oh, she probably.dot, dot, dot. This is all information you don't have because remember, y'all ain't talked.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:32:32] Correct.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:32:33] I would encourage as you're thinking about a person, if somebody comes to mind and you're like, man, like I missed them, or we hadn't talked to them or whatever, right there, initiate contact, pursue connection. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:32:46] Yes. I love that.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:32:49] Pursue. You telling yourself a story about why y'all haven't connected with information you don't have. Or even if it's information you do have. Like, man, I know that she lost her father two months ago, so she's been quiet. Doesn't mean that that is still the reason why she's quiet or why y'all haven't reconnected. So initiate connection. And that doesn't have to be dive into the deep end and be like, hey, you want to go out. Send a text, hello, thinking about you just wanted to send your message. I don't know how many times, actually I do. Most recently, I sent a text to a girl I had not talked to in a while.

She came to mind, I looked at my text and I saw that she's texted me like three times this year. And for some reason I hadn't replied, maybe whenever she texted me, I didn't see it or whatever, and I could have used that and been like, dang, I can't text her back now, she text me in May, it's hogging. You know what I mean?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:33:53] I got you.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:33:54] I could easily do that, but what did I do? I'm actually going to pull it up right now. I literally said, I sent her a text and I said, oh no, I sent her a voice note. I clicked the voice note thing and I said, hey, it's been forever, but I was just looking at these pictures and I saw you. And I was like, yo, I got to see how she's doing. Like, what's going on? Like, I'm not even exaggerating.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:34:23] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:34:24] I'm literally looking at the text message right now. And when I tell you, she text me back and she said, whoa, that's wild. And she said, "I'm free now until 3:15 or we can schedule another time." I said, I can't talk now, but hold up. And then I proceeded to FaceTime her. I saw her face, I said, oh my God, I miss you. Right? I was like, I can't talk right now, but I just wanted to see your face, let you know we need to talk. Let's connect. And that was it. Now all I'm saying is I could have sent the voice note and that'd be it. And she responded or not, but because I pursued connection, she sent me a message and she said, that's crazy I had been thinking about you recently and these are all things that I don't know, I can't control, but because I just moved when I felt the unction and opportunity was there. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:35:20] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:35:21] And so many moments pass because we get in our head and we start talking ourself out of things. Where I'm like, man, we should probably try to get into the habit of talking ourself into things. You get what I mean?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:35:34] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:35:35] Like telling ourselves positive stories, right? Not telling ourselves disempowering.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:35:40] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:35:41] Stories.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:35:40] Yeah, Those false narratives, they tend to pipe up a lot when there is that time and disconnect.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:35:48] They get real loud.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:35:50] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:35:51] Real loud. They just start back here, yapping, I'm like, you ain't saying nothing. And as soon as I start thinking about you, like, well, if you reach it, I'm like, where you come from, you know? So I'm in the habit now and I would encourage anybody listening to start practicing this. If a person comes to mind, reach out.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:36:14] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:36:15] Because you don't know

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:36:18] Even right now if you're listening.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:36:20] I don't think it's an accident that randomly somebody you ain't talked to on forever, it's like, I wonder how they doing? Go to your phone, hey, thinking about you, move, move on.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:36:33] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:36:33] That's it. Because all the introverts listening are like, well, if I reach out, then they going to want to hang out.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:36:40] And that's a whole nother conversation.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:36:43] Y'all don't really want to do. That's…

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:36:48] Oh my goodness. As you were talking, I was thinking about on the other end of the spectrum, right? Oftentimes we might find ourselves having a relationship with someone. Someone's been a great friend for a long time, and then we might find that out of the blue without warning the friend ghost us. And we might have been trying to reach out to see, hey, are you okay? What's going on? And there's no response. And the response becomes even more cold or distant even though there's an intentionality on one end to see if this something happened. Was there a loss? Was there a condition or something that unfolded that I wasn't aware of? And when we think about friendships that end abruptly like that, especially when you were tracking along and doing life together, and then all of a sudden, you're ghosted, there's no closure.

And you're left wondering like, was it me? Was it you? What happened? Is there something that could have been said to help us reconcile or reconnect in that context? So perhaps what might you say to someone who's been ghosted in a friendship and has tried to reach out, but has never gotten the closure that they need to really understand why the friendship ended.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:38:09] Yeah. That's hard. And I've experienced that and it's hard. Yeah. That's just the first thing I want to acknowledge. It's hard. It's going to sit differently on different people, right? Depending on your temperament and who you are and how you are. But when a person withdraws with no notice and disappears and is especially a part of your day-to-day and all of a sudden it's not, that's jarring. And you know what I mean? And your mind and your body and everything is trying to make sense of it. And I tell people all the time, if you want to be a good friend, take the time to offer an explanation. Because everybody nowadays, like I don't owe anybody an explanation. Everybody's got they rights and entitled and all this stuff. And just in my space, just my faith and stuff is like I have the right to do a lot of things.

I lay down my rights every day for the people that I know love and trust. And so I think one of the signs of friendship of a great friend is a friend that's willing to lay down their right. You know? Yeah. You had a right to stay to yourself, keep yourself, whatever. But in certain circumstances would you be willing to lay down your right for the sake of the other person? And even if you don't want to stay and you ready to go, and you maybe in your mind you don't even have good reason, or you have a reason that you don't think the other person will understand, to at least tell them and share with them, hey, I'm no longer interested in staying connected or whatever could be the loving thing. Right? Even though it might feel hard it would be the honest thing to do.

But when that has happened to you. What I would recommend is acknowledging how you feel, right? You are disappointed, you're uncertain. You don't know what's going on. I think in that acknowledgement, it gives your body permission to grieve. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:40:07] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:40:08] So not explaining it away, not making excuses for it. Oh, well maybe she or maybe, acknowledge the facts and let it be what it's going to be. I think the next thing that you can do is remind yourself of what is true. And that is in the same way that you were able to build connection with this individual, you can continue to build connection with other people. I know that one of the effects of someone ghosting a person can be that that person no longer desires to do relationships with other people because there's a level of trauma there, right? It's impacted your system.

And now you're like, I'm not doing this anymore. So I want to encourage people to remain hopeful that that one circumstance, story, scenario is not the story of your life and every relationship moving forward. So don't embrace that and take that as the narrative that has to be your narrative forever. So acknowledge how you feel, remind yourself of what is true, and then act on what you believe. And I don't know what you believe, but for me, I will remind myself of truth of who I am, that I'm loved, that my identity is not in this person. My worth and value is not in this person. And when I'm reminding myself of what is true, I can then act on what I believe. Because the truth of the matter is that whatever it is that you're focusing on in your head is creating feelings in your heart.

And those feelings typically dictate your function, like how you function day to day. And if you're focusing on the fact that they're gone and not talking to you no more, never called didn't text or whatever, you feel a way about that, you are sad. And now all you can do is be in a low place. But if you are focusing on the fact like, man, this person is not showing up, or this person is kind of disappeared, but I have these other people or these other opportunities of connection to make with these new people. That creates hopeful anticipation, which then dictates your function. And that function might not be low place. That function might be, I'm feeling hopeful today, encouraged, so therefore I'm going out. I'm meeting new people connecting with a friend that I hadn't been connecting with, but now I have space and time to do that. Does that make sense?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:42:35] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:42:36] So.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:42:37] Thank you for that. That is extremely helpful and beneficial as we're thinking about how oftentimes people do the exact opposite of what you mentioned, right? They don't engage in a hard conversation, they don't afford the other person closure. But it's so great to hear you talk about how our identities aren't rooted in that person, but that there are so many other ways that we can process when we are grieving a relationship and we never receive the closure that we had hoped or wished we had. I have another question for you because as we're thinking about ways to now begin to heal from friendships that have ended and some of the grief that may be there, how perhaps might you encourage people to take care of themselves as they're grieving?

Oftentimes we talk about self-care and we might have certain practices that we put into place. You mentioned earlier, if you're grieving a breakup, you might get the ice cream, you might put on the Netflix, you might put on the warm pajamas, right? And relax. But oftentimes, society doesn't give us the opportunities to have that same kind of reaction or release when we lose a friend. So what self-care practices or support systems have you found particularly helpful for people you've worked with or even yourself to help them navigate grieving a friendship?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:43:57] Don't grieve in isolation. So I'm not saying you don't need to take time and pull away and be by yourself, but do not isolate in grief. Connection is what keeps humans alive. Literally from the time that we are conceived and to our deathbed. Connection is what keeps us healthy. It helps people live longer, it helps your mental health, it helps everything.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:44:24] All of it.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:44:25] There's a documentary that just came out recently about the oldest people in the world and community is a huge pillar to why people live long. Why? Because one of my favorite scripture says, it's not good for a man to be alone. And people use that as a reason for why people need to be married. In general, I just think God and his brilliance knew that we were not meant to thrive in isolation. And I think about nature. I mean, and I'm a Christian, and you might not ascribe to Christianity, and I'm not trying to push anything.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:44:58]Go ahead. No, no, you're good. I identify as a Christian.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:44:49] I believe that when God made everything, he made two of everything. You get what I mean? And he looked at Adam, who had perfect fellowship with him in the garden and said, you know what? Something's not good. It's the first thing he said wasn't good, because everything was good before that. You know what I mean? Like, he made the world and all this stuff. And every time he, this is good and it is good, this is good. And the first time he said something wasn't good, it was that man should not be alone. And so he makes him a partner suitable for him and all the things. But the idea in my mind is that we are not meant to live life in isolation. So when you're grieving and you're navigating hard seasons, your natural response is going to be to sink into yourself and to pull away. What you will need to do, the work to do is to lean in, find you some safe people who don't want nothing from you. They don't need you to be on. They fine with seeing you in your mess.

They know your stuff stink, and let those people in. One of my favorite stories in the scriptures is about Job, and we see this picture of Job's friends, like when Job loses everything in his life, his friends come to his aid and for days they sit with him in silence.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:46:26] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:46:27] Now that's the hard part. Show up for your people, but don't say nothing. Okay. Just be present. Hey, I'm here. I bought you food. You need something, I'm going to be in the another room. It's this idea of knowing you have people. They're not trying to fix it. They just want to offer support through presence. Where Job's friends started messing up is when they started talking. Then it was like, all right, y'all got to go. You know what I'm saying?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:46:56] Yes.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:46:57] So I tell people all the time, don't grieve in isolation. Grieve with others. Let people cry with you. Having people who will cry with you when you cry, who will just be in a low place with you, like sit with you in the mud. That is to me, some of the most loving expressions you can see in relationships, especially in friendship. Like you in a low place. I'm not trying to fix this. I'm not trying to cheer you up. I'm going to just kind of sit in the mud with you.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:47:25] Come on.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:47:26] As long as you want to be here, as long as you're not hurting yourself, come on.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:47:31] Come on.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:47:32] This is where we at. And that to me is powerful. So don't grieve in isolation.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:47:37] Ooh, that just warmed my heart, honestly, just hearing that example, because we tend to do the exact opposite, right? Go and seclude ourselves in isolation and do all the things away from people, right? But that community aspect of what it means to sit with others as they're walking through a deep and painful loss is profound. So thank you so much for that, KB. So we are at the end of our interview, and I wanted to give you the opportunity to share any resources that may be helpful to listeners that you have in your arsenal of greatness. That may be helpful for them as they're navigating the context of their friendships or maybe any upcoming events that you have around the corner that you'd like to share with the guests today.

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:48:20] Sure. So you mentioned the friend tips earlier. I actually wrote a book a couple years ago called #Friendtips. And so if you go to Amazon and type in the # and then Friendtips, F-R-I-E-N-D-T-I-P-S, you'll get a hundred friend tips in that book, and a couple of frameworks in that book as well. You'll get the H.E.A.R.T Convos framework. You'll get links to additional resources that I have. H.E.A.R.T Convos has been kicking on all cylinders for five, six years, and we are rebranding right now. So that book is a huge resource. And if you go to my Instagram @heart_convos or just type in H.E.A.R.T. Convos and I'll pop up.

There is a free quiz there that says, what type of friend are you? And it will give you your friend type and give you a whole PDF and all the things. And so those are some resources that I think if people are trying to navigate friendship and just need some perspective for how to think about it and approach it, the book is great. And if you want to just kind of evaluate, well, what kind of friend am I? Then you can click the link in my bio on Instagram and get access to the What type of friend are you quiz.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:49:43] Awesome. Thank you so much for that, KB. And for listeners who want to stay connected with you, what platforms do you live on? What social media platforms are you most active on?

Kristen “KB” Newton [00:49:54] Yeah. I've been quiet on social for a little bit. Because again, we've got some really cool things coming for folks. We want to make the content more accessible for people because in the past I've had challenges that cost money and coaching programs that cost money and high ticket coaching programs that cost money. And so we want to make more of the content available to people in a way that they can walk through it at their own pace.

And so right now I'm quiet, however, I've got thousands of pieces of content online. So Instagram is probably the best place to get access to me. If your attention span is a little shorter, you can find some stuff on TikTok . Okay. If you like, give it to me in 15 seconds. Okay. But honestly, if you go to my Instagram, you can find a lot of content. And if you're willing to scroll all the way down to the bottom some of that content is longer. And so you can sit with it and take a deep dive.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:50:51 ] Awesome. Thank you so much today, KB, for joining us today for this new episode of Grieving in Color. You All. I will include all of these wonderful details in our show notes today. Thank you for tuning into this episode. Until next time, please keep grieving in color. Take care. Bye-Bye.

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Thank you for choosing to spend time with me on this episode of Grieving in Color. If today's episode has resonated with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from our conversation, please share this episode with them. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, your stories, and the ways I can support you as you navigate your own grief. You can reach out to me on my website at www.drchinasaelue.com or connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram @drchinasaelue. Your participation, your feedback, and your story helps us keep this conversation going and reaches those who need it the most. Remember, there's no right way to grieve. There's only your way, and every shade of your grief is valid.

This episode of Grieving in Color is produced by Crys & Tiana.

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