Grieving in Color Episode #2:

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Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:00:04] Welcome to Grieving in Color, a podcast that explores the various ways we navigate our experiences with grief and loss and a place where we find courage to intentionally heal in our daily lives. I'm your host, Dr. Chinasa Elue, a professor, speaker, and grief coach. And I'm inviting you to join me on this journey, embracing our grief and the full spectrum of our emotions, a palette of feelings that colors our lives even in the face of loss. Each episode, we dive into real stories of healing and growth, as we also feature guests who have found strength in sorrow, love in loss and joy even in their darkest times. Grieving in color is about acknowledging the pain, the loss, and the grief. But it is also about finding hope, love and joy again. Whether you are currently on your grief journey or supporting someone who is, this is a space for you. We are here to remind you that you are not alone, and it's okay to grieve in your own color.

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Hey, good people. Welcome to the Grieving and Color Podcast. I'm so excited for our guest joining us today. We have an extremely important topic that we're going to discuss, and it's the grief you navigate as the Ada. Now, for those of you who may not be familiar, the Ada is the firstborn daughter in a Nigerian family, and they carry such a pivotal role particularly around leadership and how they're able to steward or break forth a pathway for those falling behind them. And so navigating the death of a parent or a loved one as the first born Nigerian daughter involves a lot of cultural nuances and expectations that might be especially unique in this context. And so, I am so excited for our conversation today to unpack this topic with our guest. And before we jump in, let me introduce you to her because she is phenomenal and amazing. Alright.

So Ekene Onu is a case study of reinvention. She started her career in healthcare and practice as a pharmacist for over 15 years. In 2011, she went through her own personal revolution, reclaiming her health and choosing to create a life based on passion and purpose. And she has created her own personal development business and studied as a professional coach and a certified change leadership consultant at Georgetown University. She has training in emotional intelligence, appreciative inquiry, and leadership development, and is certified Diversity and Inclusion Trainer, where she also leverages her education and professional background in healthcare, change leadership, social and emotional intelligence to create an unforgettable experience for her clients. Y'all, Ekene is amazing. I'm so excited to have you on the podcast today. Welcome. How are you doing today?

Ekene Onu [00:02:55] I'm doing really well. Thank you for having me. Thank you. This is such a great initiative, so thank you for including me.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:03:02] Absolutely. So I want to get into our topic today because being a firstborn daughter in the Nigerian culture comes with certain roles and responsibilities. I am an Ada in my family, I'm the oldest of four children. And when we lost my mom in 2019, the ways in which I navigated grief as the firstborn were uniquely different than what I've seen other friends express. And so I'm curious to see, you're also an Ada as well in your family. So could you talk a little bit about being the firstborn daughter and how perhaps these cultural expectations have shaped your grieving process? If you could talk a little bit more about what that's looked like over time since your recent loss.

Ekene Onu [00:03:39] Yeah. I'm also the Ada of four as well too. And it's interesting, I remember when my father passed away, there were some aunties and people that would say to me, you have to be strong for your siblings, right? And, you're the Ada, which is, you know this idea that you're the responsible one. Ever since we've been little, the Ada is the person who does all the work, right? Not to say that everyone else doesn't do the work, right? But you are the one that goes first. You're the one that is like the small mother of your siblings, right? So right from nine years old, I was that person who I would take care of my younger ones. I would give them baths. I was just always taught to be a servant in a sense, or no, that's not the right term.

I was taught to be in service. I was taught to be in service. And so when I lost my dad, when my dad passed, it was a very delicate time for me. I was going through a lot myself. I was in the process of a divorce at the time. I had moved out of a home that I'd lived in for almost 20 years. I was mothering through that transition. And I'm a business owner, so I already had a lot of different things that were weighing on me. My dad and I would have conversations about it, right? And he was constantly like, checking on me, and come on, you got this, right? So when he passed away, it was very challenging for me. And one thing that I will say is the Ada is supposed to carry the load.

But one thing that I did, and I'll talk more about it as we go through, is I had an immediate understanding that I didn't have the capacity to carry it that way. The way that I would normally have if I wasn't already dealing with all these other things, would be to go into high gear and just be like, come on, we got this. But I gave myself permission to speak to my siblings, and I talked to all of them, and I said, I know that I'm the Ada, and I know that it's my responsibility, but right now I can't. I can't do it the way that you would all expect me to do it. So I need us all to be involved fully, not just in the logistics, but I want us all to support each other as we grieve.

And so, I essentially, as the Ada created an environment for us to be more authentic in our grief process. And I was able to say, I can't do, I need everyone to step up. I can't do it the way y'all, I cannot. And I'm so grateful for my family. I'm so grateful for my siblings because we did, there's only four of us, and we only have one boy who's the last born. And the Ada is an important role. But in Igboland is also the Ndiopara, which is the first son. And so he was the baby of our family, right? And they say a man becomes a man when his dad dies. And so I saw him rise up in ways. I saw my sister, who's the second sister in some way, she took over the Ada role and she kind of rose up. And so I honestly, when I was reading and thinking about this process as the Ada, I was like, I don't know if I can really tell this story. Because as the Ada, the first thing I did was say, I need to survive this process, and I can't survive it if I try to carry everybody. I think I need to ask for help so that we can all carry each other.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:07:19] I love that so much, honestly, because as the impetus as the Ada is just to bear the brunt of everything and absorb it in a lot of ways. And so to know that you were aware enough to say, I need this to be a group effort. Everyone has to step in and assist and support. It's tremendous, honestly, because it's a heavy weight that no one anticipates when it happens. Whew. I'm just breathing because I mean, that was so honest and so real. And I think that's something that we oftentimes do not do in real time as the Ada. We just muscle through.

Ekene Onu [00:07:54] We do. And I think sometimes there's a bit of shame we have. We just push ourselves so hard. It's pride and shame. Like, I've got to do it. I'm the Ada. And then that's when you start seeing, sometimes I think toxic behaviors come out because you haven't processed your own grief, right? I think one of the most challenging things about the way we grieve traditionally, there's beautiful things, but there's also challenging things is that there's an element of performance.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:08:26] Say more.

Ekene Onu [00:08:27] Yeah. There's an element of performance and you're judged on the performance, right? And so because of the way and there's so many little things that have to be done culturally, right? And because of that, it's almost like, well, I'm supposed to be this way and as the Ada, I'm taking control and dah, dah. And before you know it, because that is a very delicate time for everybody. So even in my family, one of the things we did, we had family meetings every week with the siblings. And one of the things is we made a almost like a pact within us now, not to say we didn't fight because we got to fight. But we made a pact that we would come out of this process intact, and that we would come out of this process closer, and that we would give grace to each of us.

That sometimes we would expect that people would be badly behaved, because grief is like that. And we would give grace, and we would try to hold space. And we would not hold resentment about things that happened, right? And so it was an interesting process, but I think, and I really do believe that we're closer. I don't want to get emotional. I'm a little bit emotional because my dad was such a, he cared about people, and I think he would be proud that we're closer. I think he would be proud that we're closer as a result of his transition. Yeah.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:10:04] Thank you so much for sharing that. Similarly I think, Ooh. In a lot of ways Yeah, I know a lot of ways it's emotional. This topic is extremely emotional.

Ekene Onu [00:10:15] Yeah. I didn't think too, I was like, I'm unprepared.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:10:19] We talked about it. I know. It's emotional thinking about the aftermath and how relationships oftentimes can be shaped in the midst of loss, right? And to see that even in the midst of his transition, you were able to form an even deeper bond speaks to the gravity and the magnitude of his impact on you all's lives. I want to transition in the questioning to ask you a little bit more about some of your initial reactions and emotions that you faced. Again as the Ada, sometimes we feel like we have to wear a mask. We don't oftentimes give ourselves the permission to emote or share forthcomingly, right? With others when we are navigating things, because we do feel like we have to be strong in some ways. So, can you talk a little bit about your initial reactions and emotions you faced not just as a grieving daughter, but specifically as the eldest in your family?

Ekene Onu [00:11:15] Well, yeah. So when my dad passed, in fact, the day he passed away, I woke up like at 2:00 AM he had been ill. We were running around trying to get him, because he was in the village in Nnewi. It was really hard because we knew there was a risk to transport him, but we didn't feel like he could get the care he needed in the village. So we wanted to bring him here to the US, but he was really ill. And so, but we were trying to navigate all that and got an ambulance to bring him from the east to Lagos. He was going to see the doctor to get clearance to be able to fly here, to bring him here.

And so we were going through that process and my dad he had said more than once, he really didn't want to do all of that. But we were like, daddy, we're going to save you, right? And my brother was with him and I'm 10 years older than my brother, and I carried my brother. Like, I talked about how I was like in some ways, my brother is like my baby, like, he's like my baby, right? My brother's bigger than me. He's tall. When I hug him, I'm like, inside of him, right? And I feel like I've shrunken as I've gotten older. I don't know, I do feel, maybe I'm no longer wearing those big heels anymore.

But so my brother was with him in the village. We brought him here. We brought him to Lagos, and he was in Lagos one night, and he passed away. I woke up at 2:00 AM and I didn't know but I knew. I woke up just like, and I felt like daddy, and I thought, because I'd been thinking about him all the time, but I was like, wait, daddy. Right? And I felt, and so I got a call within 30 minutes. My brother called me and he said, daddy's gone. And I said, I know. And I couldn't even think, right? But I had felt it before my brother called me. But I immediately was concerned for him because he was, of course, his dad is gone, and he was having an emotional reaction.

And so I called my cousin, my cousin is like my sister. We grew up together. We're a couple of months apart. She's my first cousin and one of the closest people outside of my siblings to me. And I call her and I say, hey, daddy's is gone and Mecca needs someone. Can you go? Like I don't want him to be alone. My other sister was there, but she's like also running around, my sister's a force of nature, right? So she's handling stuff. She needed to deal with stuff, but she was already handling stuff. She was with my mom, but my brother, I was like, he needs someone, can you go?

And she stops everything she's doing, and she's an executive. She's really busy. She's like, of course, gets in the car, goes to the hospital. She's like, I'm with him and she's texting me. I'm on my way. And she's like, I'm with him now. So for me, as an Ada, that was part, like, and then I called my sister and I'm like, Hey, like, I asked my brother, does she know, right? Who do I need to call? And so I start calling, I start telling people, so that was part of the role, like letting people know that daddy's passed, which was really hard. And so I think in that 24 hours, I didn't hold the grief, or rather I put the grief in a corner, right? I'm coming back.

I just went into like, okay, I need to do X, Y, Z. I didn't cry, I don't think. Right? I feel like I was holding my breath. Trying to make sure. And I think once I made sure, okay, we've informed people, I've made sure that this person is with this person and this, what about, who needs what? My other sister, her husband, I talked to her husband. And it was funny because like I've mentioned, I was in a transition, so it was just me and my daughter. And my daughter lost her grandfather too. So it wasn't just that. So she's trying to comfort me. I'm trying to make sure she's comforted. And then I remember after like that first 24, 48 hours, I just kind of crumbled, right?

I lay in my bed and I was talking to my dad, and my dad was very, the way he thought, anyone that knew him, he was very alternative, not metaphysical in the way he would think. So I pictured him saying, I'm here. I've just moved onto a new dimension, right? And I started to talk to him. I cried a little, I laughed. I just remembered conversations. And the beautiful thing that I had, and I'm sure others of my siblings had it too, but I had many voicemails that he would've left me. And I just started listening to those and cried a little. And I would cry, and I cocooned in my house and just try to do that. Yeah. So for me it was hard. But I felt actually good also taking care of them in that way, making sure that they were okay. And now I can sit and talk to my dad, and I did. He didn't talk, it wasn't that kind of like, I'm not trying to commune with him. I was just like, imagining, daddy, everyone's good. And I just tell him I missed him, and just kind of like, wow, you're gone. It's like that. Okay. Right?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:17:49] I hear that.

Ekene Onu [00:17:50] Yeah. Yeah. So as you can imagine, it's such an extraordinary experience. It's an extraordinary experience. It's going to sound strange, but I felt like I had a new understanding of my father. I felt like I knew him.

I almost felt like, because I knew my dad in the totality of his humanity. And what I mean by that is I don't deify him and I don't, like my dad was an extraordinary man, and he was complicated too. Like I'm a complicated person, right? I'm a mother and I love my daughters, right? And particularly my baby who has been in therapy, who understands a lot of the language, she will tell you, my mother loves her, like loves me. She would tell you. But she can also tell you, and mom, lemme tell you something, when I was seven, this is how you did this, and you did. Like, she can tell me all the things in ways I failed, in ways that inadvertently I caused her harm. And that's just real.

And this is my child that I would give my life for, right? And she would tell me, right? But my daughters, I love them terribly, but I haven't been a perfect parent. And so my dad, he loved us. He wasn't a perfect parent. Right? And so I know him in the totality of his humanity. But something happened, and I never understood this, because when people die and they say, don't speak ill of the dead, I often used to say, when someone, you might know the person in life, and then the person who loves him, when the person dies, that person is like, oh my God, he was the most amazing. And you're like, I kind of knew him. He was amazing. But, there was some, but I realized what happens.

I think I realized what happened for me cognitively. I remember the wonderful pieces of my dad and also the human pieces. But spiritually, something happened when he transitioned. In me, he transcended in that it was like, because our human parts are part of our humanity. They're part of our frailty. I really do believe that inside of us is the divine part that God has created that is good, loving, and all the other things are woundings and challenges that we have to overcome. And so when he transitioned, I felt like I got to, like all those shackles, all that stuff. I felt like it fell off and I got to see his soul like, daddy, I get it. Like, yeah, this is, like, I felt like I connected. I don't know, like I said, it's not going to make any sense to anybody but I'm like, I felt like I could understand him differently.

I felt compassion for him in a way. Like, it was almost as if when I started to process him as no longer in the physical form, I saw him as a little boy, like a baby boy all the way to a grandfather and just understood him. And it was different for me. And I think that that's a gift of God, so that we can free ourselves to I think that it was a gift for me that God, grace to love and grieve and hold space for this extraordinary human that was part of my life.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:21:34] In your reflections, I know you've talked about the gifts of grief a little bit, or perhaps pondered on the gifts of grief a little. Can you define that a little bit more in detail for us in terms of what are some of the gifts of grief, or what does that look like for someone who's trying to grapple with that? And what does that look like for you in this context at this time?

Ekene Onu [00:21:53] Yeah. You know this, like I just mentioned, this was one of them, right? Because when that happened for this process that I just shared of seeing humans in a transcendent way it was not just something that I learned that happened for just my dad. I started to see myself in that way, which gave me grace for myself in a different way. And perhaps that's what allowed me to have the awareness and ability to say, hey, y'all I'm having a very human season. Y'all got to carry the load, right? But I also think that I've started to have grace for others. And started to see them in a transcendent way, which has then allowed me, like I used to say this before and now I know it with every fiber of my being. That when your heart breaks, it doesn't have to break you. It can break you open. And I feel like my heart broke open. I feel like I have the capacity to love and receive love in a way that I never did before. I feel very raw. I still cry. Like I used to be a crier before, but now it's like, I'm a professional crier.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:23:12] Just amplified. I hear that.

Ekene Onu [00:23:13] I used to make a joke, like, I'm going to go buy a fainting couch, and I have many robes. Let's cry out, cry, but I cry like beautiful tears. I don't know how to explain that. But I feel more. And I feel like that is a gift of grief if you allow yourself to go through the grief process without being afraid of it.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:23:49] Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:23:50] Because there's a pain, right?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:23:51] Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:23:52] But it's exquisite. It's like, wow, like, you feel like you've never felt before. So I think that's one of it. Like, if you allow yourself to experience all the layers of grief and they're still coming, I'm not done, right?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:24:08] I know.

Ekene Onu [00:24:09] Like you know, right?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:24:10] Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:24:11] They keep coming. But with each layer, I almost feel like it's like you have different lenses that are dirty and you don't know they're dirty. And each layer of grief clarifies because pain is such a clarifier. You're seeing the world like, oh, wow. Look at the colors. Look at everything. So I think that's one of the gifts of grief that you break open.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:24:35]Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:24:36] Because to fully grieve, you have to fully love, you know?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:24:40] Yeah. I always say that, in a lot of ways when I lost my mom, there was like this precious oil that was like, cultivated during that experience that honestly, the emotional aspects, I didn't fully anticipate how that would unfold for me. But when it began to kind of manifest in different ways, I had to allow myself to embrace the pain. Otherwise, I don't know how I would've survived and continued to survive and survive her loss in that context, right? So I think about the precious oil and the things that, through her loss, it has opened my eyes, as you mentioned, to seeing the world in a completely different way. I want to love differently. I want to experience life differently. I want to celebrate every milestone. I don't want to just wait and think I have time, because it's never guaranteed. And I think in a lot of ways, I had a chance to continue to reflect on all of the things I wish you were here for.

The memories that we will never get to have, the celebrations that we had earmarked. For example, we thought we were going to have her 60th birthday celebration, she never lived to 60. And to know that there were things that we had hoped to be able to do for her and we weren't able to, has been a constant reminder that you have to do life now. You can't wait for when I have this or when I get to this destination. Life is happening now. Life is for living right now. And so there's no putting things off. It's just, just do it now.

Ekene Onu [00:26:00] Just do it now.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:26:02] Do it now.

Ekene Onu [00:26:03] Oh, gosh. I love that. Thank you for sharing that, because I love the allegory of this precious oil.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:26:09] Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:26:10] Right? Or this metaphor of precious oil. I love that visual. And of course, like you said, the urgency creates act of freedom. Like I've got to live now. One of the other gifts of grief, I think for me also was I felt like activation, I felt two things, like the mantle my dad had carried. And I shared this with my siblings that because every, this is general, I believe spiritually, like in lineage, right? There is a mantle like God gives us in our DNA, just like I look like my dad. You look like your mom. And there's certain things in your DNA genetically that you have because of you came from this lineage.

I believe that this spiritual DNA, purposeful DNA, that we have because of our lineage, that there are things that, and if you look at it and I'm a Christian, and if you look at the Bible, it's now, because before when I was used to read the Bible, I'm like, what is this book of numbers? And so and so beget so and so begets, why do we need to know who begat who and why? Why does it matter? Because of lineage matters to God? Because there's something in bloodlines, right? And it's both physical and spiritual. And so one of the things that I felt very strongly was that there was a mantle, like some of the things each of us has a work to do, and there's a work that is individual, but there's also a work that is in the lineage that must come from this bloodline.

If you even look at the lineage of Christ, you know that there was such intentionality. If you look at the story of Tamar, I remember thinking, God, why are you so brutal? Why did Tamar's husbands have to die? Because you remember the story of Tamar. If you guys don't know the story, Tamar, go look it up. Tamar was married to Judah's son, first son, right? He refused to lay with, well, he would lay with her, but he refused to impregnate her. Right? And God struck him down. He died. Then she married the second son, which was the tradition. Then she married the second son. He did the same thing. He too also died so much so that Judah refused to release his third son to her. And eventually she lay with Judah by tricking him. Right? Now, I remember reading the story years and years ago, like, why was it, what gosh, why did they have to die?

They had to die because that was the tradition. Because God's plan. This is why it is dangerous to get in the way of God's plan. God's plan. Right? Tamar had to carry the seed of Judah's bloodline. Judah's bloodline. That seed was going to be the lineage of Christ. That was already part of the plan. That was already what had to happen. And so the seed had to come from Judah's bloodline, the sons. And if Judah's son, the first son, won't bring the seed, we have to go to another son. That was the way. So I say that, I use that story to say how intentional, how important it is, how each of us, there's something that we carry because of our bloodlines. And so for me, there's something, a mantle that I felt like I have now, that I feel like that there were things that my dad did that he was able to accomplish, and things that he was supposed to accomplish, and that perhaps he wasn't able to finish.

And I felt such an empowerment, like, okay, now this body is no longer here, and so the purpose is finished in this earth. Now, Oya, it's time for you to carry it, and you start doing it. And even my siblings, my brother, all of like, okay, distributed among all of you, activation. Like, I felt like some genes activated. I felt a sense of boldness that I didn't have. Like I've never been an unconfident person. But, there was some parts that maybe I wasn't fully confident, but I felt a sense of like, if I die, I die. If I fail, I fail, whatever. Let's go. What is happening? I felt that sense after I needed to recover my body, I needed to heal. And that was when we now made this, like we're doing a Ghana retreat, which was something that had thought about, but frightened.

Like, how am I going to do what, how am I going to do that? And we're doing it in a big way that is not even automatic. Like, It's not me. It's the empower. So I felt like a divine empowerment. Like, okay, boom. James Ajene has left this earth, and he has fulfilled what he can fulfill, but the work of the bloodline is not done yet.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:31:15] Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:31:16] And so now Ekene Ajene, right? It's time for you rise up, now this is your generational time, right? And so I definitely felt like that. That was one of the gifts of grief too, an activation.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:31:32] I love that so much. There's just the activation piece I think is something that oftentimes we're not even mindful of that happens when particularly a parent transitions on. And to hear you articulate it in that fashion, I think will be really insightful for others as they're navigating their own grief process. I want to ask you a question about the parental role that we oftentimes are kind of thrust into in some ways when we lose a parent particularly, and people begin to kind of bestow on us that title, for example, when my mom died, people were like, oh, now you're the mother.

And I found myself having a very repulsive reaction and telling them in real time, please don't call me that I have my own children. I'm the big sister to my siblings. Because to me, in some ways it was like you were erasing the very person that was present in my life for so long. And so I found that terminology, especially as the oldest, when people would come and try and pay their condolences and say, now you're your sibling's mom. I'm like, please don't say that to me. It's not comforting at times. That level of responsibility for my extended siblings, even though I had a mother like role for them, I didn't personally ascribe to the fact that I have now adopted three other kids in addition to my kids.

Ekene Onu [00:32:50] Full grown humans, right?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:32:51] Yes. Okay. They're grown. So I'm curious to see, from your experiences, you know again, the first born often steps into this role of a parent in some ways. Did you feel any added pressure or responsibility towards your siblings during this time? I know you talked about making sure people were cared for when you heard the immediate news. Were there any conversations you were having with others where there was added pressure based on you being the first born?

Ekene Onu [00:33:21] I think there might've been somewhat some added pressure because yeah there was added pressure, especially when we went home to actually bury daddy. And we were on the ancestral land. We were in Nnewi, right? I think without even realizing it, I felt pressure. And it manifested like I lost my temper. [indiscernible 00:33:45]. I remember one incident where I just was like, I lost my temper. I was yelling. And even as I was yelling, I'm like, in real time, like, what are you doing? What's happening? I don't know. I am yelling, like something was happening. I was clear that I was out of control. And later when I was sitting with myself saying, how did that come, how did that happen? I think to your point, that I just felt this pressure that also then connected with the grief that connected with the fear that we're not going to do daddy proud with the funeral.

That, right? I had this moment. And I had to deal that very quickly because I had to regain myself and go back to my siblings and try to organize everything so that we can be intact. Remember, our goal was to be intact. So I think I did have some measure of pressure that came, right? But I also actively did not allow people to put that on me too. Like, when they say what they say, I didn't necessarily say to them, don't say that. I mean, going to the village for me, and I'm fluent in my language now. I wasn't always, but I've learned to just be like, Hmm, Hmm, okay, no problem. Well, mm, uh huh

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:35:09] Okay.

Ekene Onu [00:35:10] Okay. No problem. And I just, like, as they're talking, the words fall to the ground. They don't sink into my soul. And so no matter what you say, mm-hmm. No problem. So I had a cocoon around me to protect me emotionally, spiritually. Right. Physically, even like different things were going on, navigating a funeral. And my father was the Ndiopara. He was a patriarch. Like there were things going on. I'm like, okay, you know [indiscernible 00:35:47]people are saying this one, the Umuada are saying this one. Mm-hmm. I didn't really allow for too much pressure because I was very clear that if I don't come out of this intact, if I don't handle myself carefully, I won't make it. I was very clear that I won't come out of this intact.

In fact, when I finished, I had already planned ahead. We bury daddy. And then I went to Ghana for like a week before I came back to the States. And my daughter, I came, I went for me, like I said, I need to take care of myself before I even come back to mother. Otherwise, I just won't be okay. I need to do that. So I was very careful about that. And even with my siblings, like I said, I'm still the Ada. I care for them. But I also realize everyone in my family is extremely independent, extremely. Like, we're all strong, resilient. My dad was that. Both my parents, my mom is still with us. They're just tough cookies.

Right. And so they taught us to, like, each of us is like, I don't feel like I have to carry anyone's load. We can carry our own load. And in fact, my siblings are fiercely independent, such that if you try to do too much, hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down, I'm grown. I can handle myself, right? So I know what to do. Like excuse me, I don't need a mother. I don't need you to like, excuse me, I need a big sister. What I'll not accept is you coming to try and parent me. I'm a grown person. So I didn't feel like I needed to do that. Like, tell anyone what to do like that.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:37:35] I love hearing that, honestly. Because I think sometimes if you don't take the time to process and have that clear demarcation of how you plan to care for yourself and preserve yourself in that process, you may feel the pressure or think that this is the role you now have to assume, right? So recognizing the fact that you don't have to step into a role that was never intended for you, that you can still choose to operate as the big sister. You can care for yourself and you can continue to empower them to do the same as well. I think speaks volumes here in this context.

Ekene Onu [00:38:07] Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:38:09] Can you share a little bit, I know we talked about you going back home to bury your dad. Were there any particular traditional rites that you had to assume as the firstborn when you went back home to the village to do the traditional ceremonies in the funeral?

Ekene Onu [00:38:26] There were things that I had to do. I don't know if there were rites, I didn't have to do any rites, but there were special things that I had to do. Like I was the one that had to go and get my dad's body, right? I was supposed to dress a certain way. I went with my brother. And then I was also the one that had to dance in front when we were bringing him back. So, and that was really, that I didn't enjoy, right? Because it felt extremely performative. And I just wasn't in that frame of mind. Because I had just gotten my dad, right? Well, I didn't get my dad. I got his physical body and I had to dance.

And I felt pressure, like I have to dance because I have to make sure that my dad is honored, but I'm also processing and the process of getting the way they handled that the local mortuary, I felt like they could have had. It just wasn't as, but we're very practical, in Igboland, I don't know about other parts of Nigeria, but often there's a way that we're just very, it is what it is. Those do things, right? And so I'm still like, wait a minute, look, there you go. Like, so I had to do that part. I had kind of dancing, that part was there. There were a few other things here and there that were my role.

And I knew that the traditional rites of the, talking to the Umuada, right? And navigating everyone's emotions because the funeral in the village was not for us. Funeral was for all these other people that are members of our family, our extended family, all the people that are members of the village and the society and the community. It was not for us. And in fact, I was aware of that because I had participated in other people's funerals, right? My dad's younger brother had passed on a few years before. And I had gone for the funeral. And I remember how my cousin, my first cousin, he was just like, and he was so instrumental, like, because he had buried his dad a little while before, and we leaned on him so much and he was amazing.

I saw him just running from all over, like what he was doing, right? I'll be honest, I was terrified to go through the process of burying my dad in the village because he was like, this is like a massive undertaking that I don't know how to do. And so, but what I did do, because now I wanted to, this is part of my self-care. I knew there were certain things that I had to do going to the village. What allowed me to do this was that here before we left, we had a service here and we had a very oyibo service. Oyibo is our word for what is the word?

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:41:38] Eurocentric?

Ekene Onu [00:41:41] Yes. European white people. But it's not really white people is what it means. It means like anything American or non, and I say it was oyibo in that because people do have services here, but they're equally as for the community. Our service here, what we had was at the botanical gardens, it was very crackers and cheese. We spoke in an open air. It was very, very intimate. And we remembered our dad. And I chose the botanical gardens because my dad use to like to go there. And my dad was a bit, he was very ibo, but he had oyibo pieces of him too. And so that was important for me to do so that I could say bye to my dad in this form for me, that was my funeral, right? And that was important for me.

I knew that if I didn't do that, I needed to do something because that what was happening in the village. While it mattered because we wanted to do dad proud, and we wanted to honor his legacy, we wanted to honor who he was. But I knew that was not going to be for my grieving. I needed to perform there. I needed to be present in a way that was not for me. Because you have to come and dance. You have to go and take kola to the Umuada and then you have to talk to them in certain way. There were certain things, and we had people guiding us because I'm aware of some of the Ọmenala, which is our culture, our traditions, but I'm not aware of a lot of it.

And there's so many intricacies and people are so easily offended. Like, if you don't do it this way, and actually I didn't even realize this, that you can go through all of that. The people who close the funeral I think is the[indiscernible 00:43:30] people,right? And they have to come. So at the end of the funeral, on the third day, they come, right? You give them a cow, or I can't remember what you give them. You give them a cow and some other things. You give them gifts.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:43:44] Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:43:45] Your dad has died but you're giving them gifts. You give them gifts and they have to come and they say you've buried him well. If they say you haven't buried him well, which I guess happens, but very rarely, then essentially you've done all of this and they'll still say it's not acceptable. And technically you haven't really buried him.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:44:05] Wow.

Ekene Onu [00:44:06] And so if you go to bury someone else in your family, you'll experience that. They say, oh, you didn't bury your dad well, so we cannot even come for this other situation. So it was like, there were a lot of these things like, ah, if these people are not happy, ah, you have to make sure they're happy. Like, so we like the way we had prepared for different groups that had to kind of give us a check mark that was like, okay. Like, so we just had to do it. That's why for me, I was like, this burial is a traditional burial for the community. This is not for me to mourn my father. This is for me to make sure that his legacy is honored, right? And all of those different traditions. And so for me, I was very involved in a lot of those. I was the one they're calling for you. They're calling for you. They're calling for you. And so I was just like, okay, where do I need to go? Alright. And my brother as well, because of the Ndiopara, he was seated. He had to sit in one place for like the three days. Like they had to keep coming to him and talking to him.

And I remember saying, please make sure he's eating. Take food to him. And I remember at the end of the funeral, the last night after everything had been closed, it was the first time, I had kept food for my brother and he came and I said, hey, I kept food for you. And he came and said, oh, thank you. He sat down and he started to eat and he had been so tense, right? And so he's like, he started to laugh. I said, oh, so you know how to laugh. Wow. I didn't know you could laugh because it was so stressful. He was under so much stress, all of us that at the end, people like.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:45:48] Letting out some air. Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:45:48] We did it. Praise the Lord is done.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:45:53] Right? Thank you so much for sharing. Just the process and all of the different events and expectations that exist burying back home. It's really interesting because, my mom passed away from cancer. And so it was interesting, we had a lot of time to have some conversations around what that looked like. And I know oftentimes, especially in African countries, we don't want to talk about end of life planning. We don't want to think we're ever going to pass away. So it's almost like out to sight out of mind until you can no longer ignore it and death is there. And so it was interesting that, we talked often with her about what were her expectations and what does she want when she passed away.

Ekene Onu [00:46:36] Wow.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:46:37] She was honest with us saying that she wanted to be buried here in the US.

Ekene Onu [00:46:42] Wow.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:46:43]So that we could visit her grave. She said, I want my children to come see me, and I want them to bring their children to see me. And that was very important for her. But as the Ada, I knew that in order for this to go well for us, when she would eventually pass on that extended family had to be involved in the conversation. Otherwise there would be extreme conflict from abroad. So we were intentional about bringing her brothers here before she passed away, to have conversations about what she wanted, and then even having conversations with family members back home about expectations. And one of them actually said to us, had we not heard it from her. We would've had some problems, right?

And I am grateful that there was a drop in my spirit to do that beforehand, because grieving as is is hard. Planning a funeral here is hard in general, but then having to contend with external family members who may not fully understand what someone wants if they never communicated, could be a added layer onto this grieving process that one does not anticipate. And so I think, end of life conversations is probably a separate topic altogether, we talk about this podcast. But I just wanted to share that nugget because I think we can't shy away from these conversations. They are needed because we will all pass away. And that's a guarantee. There will be a day where we physically will no longer walk this earth. And so death is a natural part of our human experience and negates the fact that we are intentional about how we prepare. And no, don't leave it up to happenstance as well.

Ekene Onu [00:48:19] That's so good. Thank you for sharing that. I know that must have been really hard, but I think that was such an important, like you said, nugget to share because we have to give ourselves permission to explore even the most challenging things, right? I know that we are talking, my mom is still with us, and by the grace of God will continue to be with us for a long time. But we have started to have conversations like, listen, we got to prepare so that when mommy passes, because we come to this earth and we leave this earth that we're more prepared than we were when daddy left. And to your point, it's interesting because one of the things that we haven't talked about are some of the practicalities of a immigrant funeral, right? Because my dad, I said my dad chose to leave because he didn't want to leave Nigeria.

And many of the conversations we had had were, it wasn't that he didn't want to come to the US to get care, but when we would have conversations, he would talk about that he was frustrated with some of the traditions that he, while he honored my dad was a traditional man in some ways, but he would say what was frustrating for him was that for many people, not only are you grieving your loved one, that in the process of the funeral rites, you can become impoverished. Many families have to borrow money. We're fortunate we didn't have to do any of that. And we weren't left worse off financially, but many people take years to recover from the costs of the funeral, right? Many people, if not for other people contributing, won't be able to do it.

And my dad always used to say how he didn't enjoy, he didn't want that, right? And my dad was so practical, he didn't like to be a burden. And so I used to really, I said my dad, I said, daddy, daddy was like, because we told him we're going to bring you to the states. And he had said, I don't want to come. And it wasn't like he wouldn't care, but I think he knew he was passing. He knew he was going to pass. And he's like, he didn't want to pass away here. And he had said, I don't want you to go through, like, he didn't say this at that time, but he had said to me before that I don't want my children to have to go through the expense of shipping my body back home. And just the stress of it.

I have a friend who did it recently and the cost came between $10 and $15,000 just navigating shipping the body home. Not anything else. That's just the basic, that piece, right? And I used to say daddy was like, okay, you guys want to be stubborn. I'm going to be stubborn too. I will let you say goodbye in Lagos. That's about all I'm going to let you do.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:51:13] Okay.

Ekene Onu [00:51:14] That's it. So that's as far as I'm going to let you go. Because I'm not going to let you guys go through all of that. Because he would've wanted to be buried at home, but he wouldn't have wanted us to go through the pressure and the stress of getting him back home. So yeah. We don't talk about that enough. Like the cost of the burial.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:51:36] Hmm.

Ekene Onu [00:51:37]Hmm.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:51:38] Yes.

Ekene Onu [00:51:39] Sometimes I wonder if in Igbo land, if we transitioned or evolved our traditions that all of that capital, because all of that money, imagine if we put that money into something else. Like we could have still given him a befitting burial, but we didn't have to imagine we had a three-day experience and my dad's burial was big, but not as big as some of the ones we've seen, right? We had hundreds of people come, we fed hundreds, we killed how many cows, we're doing this, we're doing, like, we, there was so much money and there was also a lot of waste afterwards. Like, food was wasted because we just so much. And I just kept thinking, imagine if we had put that into something. Imagine if we had built an orphanage or something like that could have fed anyway.

We're thankful those are the traditions that we're dealing with. But it is something worth asking. I think at some point us as Igbo people to start saying, are there some things that we want to evolve? Is there a better way to support our community through loss? And those were the kinds of questions that my father used to ask all the time because he loved being an Igbo man. He was proud of him. He loved our language, loved our culture, and taught us to love it and honor it as well. But he was also not afraid to ask the hard questions.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [00:53:11] Thank you so much for sharing that nugget, Ekene. I mean, there's just so much to unpack here, as you mentioned. And I feel like this will honestly come back again in the future as I do a different episode around this, because it's an ongoing conversation, that needs to happen around end of life prep and even some of the difficult conversations you mentioned. I want to transition our conversation a little bit to talk about some strategies you've used to help you navigate grief. A big part of this podcast is grieving in color and talking about the different ways that grief has manifested in our lives and how it's kind of guided us in this pathway to really uncovering how we can cope and really move through the different seasons that grief brings with it. So can you talk a little bit perhaps about some self-care practices, some support systems that you found helpful in helping you navigate your loss?

Ekene Onu [00:54:03] Yeah. I think I had like double grief, right? Because I was grieving my dad, grieving the end of my marriage and just a number of different things. And even grieving. I was transitioning from one season of womanhood to another. I'm still in that transition, right? So I think self-care was very important to me. So practically, I got into therapy, and I even had more than one therapist. Like, I don't know, do like you, I've gone to therapy. My faith was extraordinarily important. Going to church, being in a church community that was important. Having people I could pray with, cry with that was very important. And then even having my own personal spiritual practice, praising, worshiping, journaling. I wrote a lot during that time. And I wrote and I also shared on social media often just about my dad.

I wrote in very real time, different reflections that I would have. It was healing for me also to receive messages from people saying, oh, I read what you wrote about your dad. And it really blessed me and it touched me, and it reminded me of this, that whatever different things people had. So, because I'm a healer who is healing, I've always kind of been like that. As I'm healing, I heal others. And even scripturally the comfort that you receive use it to comfort others has always kind of been the way I roll. And so I did a lot of that too. I worked through my grief. I don't necessarily recommend it or not recommend it, but my work is healing work. And so it helped me to do that.

But at the same time, I didn't work. So I worked in some ways and then some things, I just dropped all the balls over here. Like, you know what, that's not going to happen. Like, my whole strategic plan for the two years, and even this year during that time, like those two years, and I talk about the transition of my divorce, my dad passing. So there was like a three year period, I gave myself permission to not seek exponential growth in my business. I just said, it is what it is. I'm just going to seek survival, actually. So the way I thrived, was to stop trying to do more than survive. It just said, my business is going to survive this, so there's certain things that are going to have to happen, but I am not going to attempt to run right now.

I'm going to slow it all the way down. I'm still kind of slow. Like, I had to give myself permission not to fall prey to the pressure as a business owner, all the stuff. Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm. Where we're is where we're, and I thank God for it. So that was one thing. Like the massages, all those things. I gave myself permission to be insular, but also invite certain people in. I'm a very introverted person. People don't realize that because I do extroverted work. I'm extremely introverted. And so I was already drained all the time. And so I had to tell people, please don't be offended, but I cannot hold court in my house. There were people that wanted to come, and I'm like, please, I beg you, please don't be offended, but I'm not taking visitors is not because I don't care about you.

I cannot care about anybody at this moment. I need to be. But then I had certain friends that were like, these are like sisters. Like, so I had one friend that didn't even have time. She didn't care what I was saying. She would just show up, I am in front of your house and I have bread and chicken. I mean, first she would send her son, every time she rolled around my area, she would stop by my house. Every time she would bring things, she wanted to make sure I was eating, that I was okay. Like, I didn't actually have many people around me, but this one particular friend, and her father passed away recently, and I did everything I could be to be there for her because the way she was, she didn't even care whether I wanted it or not.

She just, I would be in my pajamas and I would answer the phone and thinking, she's just calling to check on me. She's like, open your door. I'm right here. But she would come alone. She knew that I could have her there. And she had no expectations of me. There were certain people that I could have because I didn't feel like I needed an ounce of performance. I didn't have to worry about them. Because there were some people that you have to concern yourself with. Are they okay? Are they all right? She came and she was purely there for me. And so I had those types of people that were there for me that my soul felt very safe with. Because, and this is not to say that other people, they're not safe people.

I just didn't know them that way. I had a few people that I gave myself permission to have close to me. And I really realized how important community was at that time. I wished I actually had cultivated more soulful relationships, actually, to be honest. And I've become more intentional about that now. I'm becoming more aware of how important it's to allow those people who are safe to come close. Because you do need that. So those are some of the practical out of taking care of yourself during grieving. I think that's those are some of the things. And then also I think we need to be able to ask for what we need and give ourselves permission to say, what I need is a hug. What I need is quiet. What I need is someone to take on this load right now.

To really be able to ask for what you need. I have been and with even my siblings, they've gathered around me in a way that I've never anticipated, especially as the Ada, because there's some Adas that carry a lot of resentment. And what I learned in this season is you don't have to assume that they can't do it or won't do it. Ask them, I have asked my siblings consistently, and they ask too. It's not like they, but saying, please, I need help. I need help in this way. I need help in that way. I had traveled recently, right? And this still blows my mind. I just want to give them a shout out. I felt so cared for because I traveled a short stint and my house is not usually empty, but this particular time my house was empty and I got an alert, my alarm went off and I have it on my app on my phone.

The alarm in my house went off. So I call my sister because I can't call 911 from where I was. And I'm like, hey but not just check and see that the police are going like, something has gone off in my house. Can you just make sure that the police are going and whatever. And then my other sister says, "Oh, I'm going to the house." I'm like, why are you going to the house? Like, if there's something happening in the house, what are you going to do, you're going to find, she's like, I'm going. And then my other sister, she rallies the other one to come. And so like the police, my two sisters, my mother who was visiting, everybody converges on the house and they're like, okay, we're at your house. Nothing's happening. And I was like, all of you're there.

And I felt like you can trust your people. You can put weight on your relationships, especially when you've been investing in them. They'll be there for you. You can put some weight on it. You don't have to be afraid to put weight on it. I think so many of us are afraid to put weight on our relationships. Put weight on your husband if you have him, put some weight on him. I need you right now. Put some weight on, like put weight on the people. What's the point of building it up if you won't put weight on it? There are seasons that you don't have to carry your weight by yourself.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [01:02:43] Come on.

Ekene Onu [01:02:44] Let them carry you. So I was sitting there like, I have people. I don't have to go through life alone. There are people that go through life alone. You have people all around you, but you don't know how to engage them. I used to be like that. And so I think I have changed. I have changed. There are people now I'm like, lemme, I put some weight on it. If you can't carry the weight. I'll realize, okay, you can't carry it. And sometimes people can't carry it because it's a time in their lives. Like I, right now, I'm not carrying a whole lot of weight, right? I have carried it in the past. I'll carry it again. But if that's one message, I would say for self-care, stop trying to carry your own weight. Let other people carry you.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [01:03:25] Thank you for that. That right there is a gem. Thank you, Ekene. As we wrap up this conversation this morning, I want to tap into the vast wisdom that you have on particularly helping others, right? In this context. And so if you could leave a word of advice or some type of insight to other first born Nigerian daughters, or other first borns in general who are currently navigating grief and loss of a loved one, what words of wisdom would you leave them with today?

Ekene Onu [01:03:57] Hmm. There's a saying, and I don't want to butcher it. I think it says, onye nwere ndi mmadu nwere ihe, which means as an Igbo a person who has people has something. And I honestly, it's in my business. My business is a community driven business. I have a community that we really build for women who are high performing, high achieving kind of Ada, either Adas or Ada minded, right? People who feel like they carry everyone's weight. We specifically built a community that kind go in circle for women to have a place, to have those conversations, to be supported, to work on their own personal development in a safe place, and to feel loved and protected. It's like a sisterhood, right? I built that because I realized, you build off on what you need the most.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [01:04:56] Yes.

Ekene Onu [01:04:57] So I built that. And now, especially with my dad having that experience, the point has been driven home. Onye nwere ndi mmadu, So you have to chọta ndị mmadụ, find people, find community, be intentional about building it, be non-negotiable about it. Stop tolerating communities that cannot carry you. Stop tolerating communities that do not truly support you. Don't allow yourself to be in circles where you're not deeply valued and loved. Get on out of there and find people that know you, love you, value you. You can be safe, you can be supported, you can be loved. There are great people. Like people say, no new friends. Stop that. Because that is keeping people embondaged to friends groups that aren't really healthy friends groups. Let go of those friends groups that aren't really great and let God bring community to you that will love you, support you. Because I'll tell you, and in that same message is there are people that God is lifting up to support you that you don't even really know well. He will send strangers if necessary to take care of you. So onye nwere ndi mmadu nwere ihe, that's the message I would leave with you.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [01:06:15] Hey, Ekene, thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. I mean, I am going to sit with this interview for a very long time. Listeners, this was beyond a treat today. I feel like my soul is full from just having this conversation. It has been something that has been on my heart for a very long time, and I'm so blessed to have had this conversation today with you, Ekene. As we're wrapping up, do you have any upcoming events or releases to share with the guests today?

Ekene Onu [01:06:42] I think the one thing that I'd love to share with you guests is our circle, which is open to women, right? It's particularly designed for women of color across the diaspora. So whether you're from the Caribbean, whether you're from the US, whether you're from the UK or in Nigeria, Africa, South Africa, wherever, anywhere, as part of the Black diaspora. And we focus on women of the Black diaspora because we want to be able to have certain conversations and we realize that a lot of these women are not really supported and in particular, higher achieving. And what does high achieving mean? It doesn't mean like, oh, it's just CEOs and whatever. No, it means that you want to achieve. So whether you're starting your journey or you are fully, because we have people in their early thirties who are starting out and we have people who are in their fifties, right?

And we have different layers of the circle. So the Iconic Woman in Circle is the one initiative I would love for everyone to any of your leaders to go check out. And all you have to do is go to iconicwomanhoodcircle.com. And that's for your personal development as a woman. The Iconic Womanhood Mastermind, and that's iconicwomanhoodmastermind.com is for those women who then not only want to do their personal development work, but who say, I feel a calling upon my life and I want to express my calling. I want to figure out, I want support in designing and stepping into my leadership calling in business, in ministry, even as an intrapreneur.

That's the work that we do. That's a 12 month container. And when you come out of that, you are going to have built a powerful thought leadership brand, professional brand. You're going to have the makings, the inner work you have to do as a leader to carry people's weight, right? We go through all of that. It's an extraordinary experience. So if you are ready to just do your own work as a woman, and you want to grow and be an extraordinary woman, iconicwomanhoodcircle. If you are ready to answer the call as a feminine leader, iconicwomanhoodmastermind.com.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [01:08:55] Awesome. Thank you so much for sharing that, Ekene. And how can listeners stay connected with you online?

Ekene Onu [01:09:00] Yeah, so I'm most active in three places. Instagram @ iconicwomanhood_coach, and I'm actually active on TikTok. I'm very proud of this.

Dr. Chinasa Elue [01:09:10] Okay.

Ekene Onu [01:09:11] Yes, I'm a TikToker. Alright, so on TikTok at iconicwomanhoodcoach. And then you can just follow me on LinkedIn. Ekene Ajene Onu

Dr. Chinasa Elue [01:09:22] Awesome. Alright, good people, these are the details that Ekene has shared with us today, and I'll also include them in our show notes. Thank you so much for tuning in today to this episode of Grieving in Color. Until next time, we'll see you soon. Thank you. Bye-Bye.

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Thank you for choosing to spend time with me on this episode of Grieving in Color. If today's episode has resonated with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from our conversation, please share this episode with them. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, your stories, and the ways I can support you as you navigate your own grief. You can reach out to me on my website at www.drchinasaelue.com or connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram @drchinasaelue. Your participation, your feedback, and your story helps us keep this conversation going and reaches those who need it the most. Remember, there's no right way to grieve. There's only your way, and every shade of your grief is valid.

This episode of Grieving in Color is produced by Crys & Tiana.

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