Grieving in Color Episode #9:

Season 2 EP 9 Navigating Death Anniversaries and Milestones

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Welcome to Grieving in Color, a podcast that explores the various ways we navigate our experiences with grief and loss in a place where we find courage to intentionally heal in our daily lives. I'm your host, Dr. Chinasa Elue a professor, speaker, and grief coach. And I'm inviting you to join me on this journey, embracing our grief and the full spectrum of our emotions, a palette of feelings that colors our lives even in the face of loss. In each episode, we dive into real stories of healing and growth, as we also feature guests who have found strength in sorrow, love and loss, and joy even in their darkest times. Grieving in Color is about acknowledging the pain, the loss, and the grief, but it is also about finding hope, love, and joy again. Whether you are currently on your grief journey or supporting someone who is, This is a space for you. We are here to remind you that you are not alone and it's okay to grieve in your own color.

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Hey, good people! Welcome to Season 2 of the Grieving in Color podcast, a podcast that explores the various ways we navigate our experiences with grief and loss, and find courage to intentionally heal in our daily lives. I'm your host, Dr. Chi, and I am so excited to be here with you all as we kick off season two. We have some good things in store for you this season.

Season 1, we spent time drilling into the various areas that we experienced grief in various aspects of our lives. But Season 2, we're going to take some time to go a bit further. And I'm excited about the guests that we have joining us this season because there are a variety of different ways that we experience grief, both personally and professionally, that I want to spend some time going in a little bit deeper. So stay tuned, y'all. Season two is going to be amazing. And I'm so excited to share more with you all as we progress on.

So we're kicking off season 2 today, and I wanted to hit home on this first episode in talking about managing death anniversaries and milestones. And there's a reason why I want to do this as we kick off season 2. As you all know, when I started this podcast, it was a way to have more intentional conversations around death and dying, particularly around how we talk about the aftermath when we experience loss of all kinds. Because oftentimes, when we talk about grief in society, it is seen as taboo. And one of the main reasons I wanted to start this podcast was to have an opportunity to intentionally peel back the layers of these complex life experiences that we have because unfortunately, we will all walk through some form of loss. But I think it's important to really take some time to understand deeply how that might impact us individually and collectively. And so I'm excited to get things on the road.

Now, as you all recall, when I started season 1, I mentioned in the very first episode that I was dedicating the podcast to my mom. I lost my mom to cancer, and losing her really changed my perspective in life in a variety of different ways. Today, as we talk about our very first episode for this season, I want to talk about navigating death anniversaries and particular milestones because this is a milestone year for me. And I think I can really provide some insight here based on my own lived experiences and how to prepare, how to navigate all of the messiness that comes along when these milestones are looming around the corner. And I hope that it provides some opportunities for us to really engage in these conversations where we don't necessarily have to avoid the tough things that are looming ahead, but6-+ we can begin to prepare our hearts and our minds for honoring those that were lost, right?

And so as I kick off our conversation this morning, you know, I want to first highlight that a death anniversary is the commemoration of the date where an individual has passed away. Now, I say individual, but it could be an anniversary of a different kind, whether you had– if you were pregnant with a child and they passed away, or if you had a beloved pet and they passed away, it could be a death anniversary of any kind that has meaning and purpose to you. But usually, this death anniversary is observed by family and friends, loved ones who come together to support us in honoring the legacy of what was lost. And so, in this particular context, as I mentioned to you all, this is a milestone year for me. Coming into this year, 2024, I kind of dreaded it a little bit, to be honest with you all, because I knew that this would be the five-year anniversary since my mom had passed away. And if you celebrated a milestone anniversary, you perhaps can resonate with this very deeply in recognizing that years one through four were honestly a blur. I feel like she passed away yesterday, to be honest with you all, right?

But, you know, in thinking about this milestone year, as we came into this year, I think about how as January approached, I just felt really, really sad knowing that this would be a year where I would have to contend with a variety of different emotions. Not only is it a milestone year in terms of the years she's passed, it also marks what would have been her 60th birthday for us in October of this year. And so we're celebrating year five, and we're also celebrating a birthday that we'll never get the opportunity to celebrate with her. And I say that this is hard for me because I just want to highlight quickly a story that happened 10 years ago, to be frank. I'll never forget. My mom was turning 50, and at that time, she wanted to have this big birthday soiree. And my siblings and I were like, “Well, mom, you know we're all in transition. Let's go out to dinner, but we got you at 60. We'll throw you this big birthday bash of your dreams, and you'll get an opportunity to have this birthday celebration that you've wanted like never before.”

My mom passed away at the age of 54, and it's interesting that this year would have been the 60th birthday, the birthday where we would have had the opportunity to invite all her friends, invite her loved ones, get her all dressed up and makeup done and get her favorite outfits together and be able to celebrate her in that regard. And there's something to be said about when these milestones come around and you recognize that you'll never have the opportunity to create those memories. There's a deep, deep sadness that settles in, and I think that's what I've been sitting in this year. It's just the sadness of the memories that will never happen, to be honest with you. And there's so many emotions that come up when we think about these things. So, I do have some regret in not being able to honor her when she turned 50. At the time, I wasn't able to in the manner in which she would have hoped. But I also have to recognize that we did our best to celebrate all of the moments in between, even up until her very last day.

And so I think it's important to remember in this context that sometimes we may not be able to do things that we want at the magnitude that we desire, but it is important to make sure that we're living in the moment because life is a gift. And although hindsight is 20-20 – I wish I could have done so many different things differently at that time – but, you know, we are here. And so I want to talk a little bit about how when we are preparing for these anniversaries of our loved ones, how do we begin to prepare for these very complex emotions and experiences that we have when we are aware that they're no longer here? And so a couple of things I want to discuss on this first episode is just taking the time to tease out some of the emotions that happen around death anniversaries. Because death anniversaries can evoke a complex spectrum of emotions. We are not static people. We could experience multiple emotions at the same time. As I'm telling you all that I'm preparing for the five-year anniversary of my mom's passing and the 60th birthday celebration we won't have, yes, there's deep, deep sadness. Yes, there's a deep, deep longing for her to be present with us today. But there's also this sense of just acknowledging that while we had her, we definitely showered her with love, that she knew that she had our hearts with her and that we did our best in real-time.

And so as we're thinking about the emotions around death anniversaris, some things that may be helpful to tease out as we think about navigating the full spectrum of what may be present for you emotionally here is just thinking about perhaps some of the sadness and longing that may still exist. I always say this, that there really is no time cap on how long it takes one to grieve. I say that given the fact that we live in this capitalistic society and people want to rush back to a ‘normal’. When you have lost someone of personal significance to you, ‘normal’ no longer exists. In fact, you are clamoring and grappling for something to steady you as you're figuring out, like, “How do I bounce back from this?" Recognizing that things would never be the same again.

And I think in a lot of ways, those really, really complex emotions that have emerged from the pain of missing my mom and wishing she were still present have forced me to think about ways that I can still, one, lean into the sadness when it comes, recognizing that this is part of my grieving experience. The fact that I want her to be here, the fact that as I get closer to the anniversary, these emotions are getting a little bit more intense, the memories are coming back to the forefront a little bit more as I begin to think about all of the things that are looming ahead, whether it's Mother's Day, the actual day of her passing, and then all of the other events in between. There is a deep, deep longing. But I will say that over time, that sadness that was... very, very loud in the beginning of my grieving journey; it's still there, but the sound of it has dulled a little bit. And instead, I find myself in this place of nostalgia and reflection where I can reflect on the good times.

And if you're in a place right now where you're navigating or preparing for the death anniversary of your loved one, Perhaps you're walking through these different components as well. And I think one thing that is very beneficial is thinking about the ways in which we can slow things down to honor our humanity in real-time. Recognizing that there may need to be a time where we need to step away for a couple of days or if you can get away for a week or so and just sit with the complexity of it all. Take the time to reflect, take the time to cry, take the time to journal or pray or just have conversations with those who will join you in remembering all of the good and the bad that may have been present even while they were here.

And I think a piece of this as we're talking about navigating the emotional landscape around death anniversaries is recognizing that there may be some anger and frustration that's present when these anniversaries approach. There may be some anger because perhaps there's still some unresolved issues that happened, are still occurring as a result of our deceased loved ones no longer being here.Maybe we're still upset around the circumstances of how they passed, or if it was tragic, maybe even the unfairness of how they passed away, the lost time, the time that we'll never get back. Perhaps there may be some frustration here, thinking that you should have been further along in your journey with grief, but recognizing that the pain of it all is just so much at times that you might be frustrated with yourself. But I think acknowledging the fact that frustration is there is okay.

And at the same time as frustration is there, we have to give ourselves grace, recognizing that at the end of the day, we can only take it one day at a time and honor where we are in our journey, knowing that this is a journey we will walk through the rest of our lives. And so there has to be a measure of grace that we give to ourselves as we're figuring out how to prepare and move through these various anniversaries as they come along.

I think a piece of this as well is just navigating the guilt and the regret that may be present; guilt in a way of just going over the things that we perhaps didn't get a chance to say or get a chance to do while the person was alive. I mentioned to you all not being able to celebrate that milestone birthday with my mom this year. I won't say I necessarily have guilt, but I do have a lot of regret from this missed opportunity to express my love and my joy of just her being such an amazing mother to me. And I think oftentimes, that guilt and regret can sometimes try and take us away, but we have to anchor our thoughts and our experiences and what we know to be true in the moment. There may be some things that we know we weren't able to do while they were present. And acknowledging that perhaps certain circumstances or the nature of the relationship didn't allow you that opportunity, but then sitting in the fact that although you may not get a chance to redo that experience, that you're here right now and what can you do to intentionally think about ways to still move forward. And it may cause you to begin to think about ways that you may need to find peace or get some relief from some of the regret or the pain or the residual effects of losing them. It may mean that you recognize that you need some additional support. Tapping into a grief coach or a grief therapist or even some community care and tapping into your beloved communities that can continue to support you and walk with you as you continue to grapple and make sense of it all. Because honestly speaking, at times, grief does not make sense. It's not a logical experience to walk through at all. But what is logical in this sense is just knowing that you're still here, and there's still so much life to live. And how do you still live your life in a way that is intentionally honoring where you are in your grief journey, but acknowledging that it's a little messy because of the pain and the hurt that still resides? There's so much to this thing called life. It's not black and white. There's so much gray to it all. And I think it's important for us to recognize that we have to lean into the gray areas, at times, in order to even find our footing and move forward in this context.

I'll say that a piece of just preparing for death anniversaries calls for us, honestly speaking, to begin to prepare for how anxiety and fear may rear their heads as these anniversaries and milestones come up. I know for me personally, my mom's death anniversary is also around Mother's Day and so the month of May is a beast for me because I'm thinking about all of the things I'm reliving the last month of life with her. So there's a lot of sadness that's there, there's a lot of anxiety thinking about the emotions that were present leading up to her passing and even in the weeks after how everything kind of reared its head as things came to an end there. But I think in the same regard, I also experience fear of just forgetting at times. I find myself going through pictures, especially around milestones, and watching videos, and just reminding myself that my mom was such a present force while she was here on Earth, and that I owe it to her to keep her memory alive.

And I think that fear of forgettingness at times is what drives me, even in some of the work I'm doing now, to engage in these conversations. Because I think it's important to make sure that as I continue to make sense of her absence and her no longer physically being here with me, that I continue to remember all of the many lessons and gems and things that she was able to bestow upon me while she was here. So... Although anxiety and fear may be present, I'll mention here that gratitude, love, and joy are still very much so part of my grief journey. And even as I prepare for this upcoming death anniversary, I have to acknowledge the fact that there are pockets of time that I've built for myself to spend some time living in that place of love, recognizing that my love for her endures beyond the grave, that I can celebrate the bond that we had, and that I can continue to exist in that memory. Recognizing that I can hold on to those memories as gems that will continue to encourage me as I move forward in this journey called life.

And so as these death anniversaries and milestones come around, I think there are some really important considerations that we take into stock as we're thinking about how do we manage ourselves emotionally, who perhaps might need to be included in your plan as you are thinking about ways to prepare - because I know sometimes it's just so painful, we don't want to think about it. But I would be remiss to say, like, in some of my work, especially in conversations with others, one of the things that I've noticed over time is that when people have some semblance of a plan – and I'm not saying you have to have a schedule for morning, noon, and night, but something to say, this is the one thing I'm going to do today to acknowledge their memory or to acknowledge the anniversary – that helps a little bit further than having not plan at all. Because again, the anniversaries are hard. They can evoke a lot of different emotions, but it's important for us to think about ways that we can be intentional about navigating them as they come along. 

So I want to offer some strategies for those who may be in a space right now where you're preparing for anniversaries, like I've mentioned, the death anniversaries around the corner, the milestone of a birthday, or a particular event is coming around the corner that was particularly important to you and your loved one. And I just want to talk about some ways to perhaps think about how to navigate these milestones. And so I'm going to offer a couple of things here for those who are thinking about some ideas they may need going forward. 

So first and foremost, I would say, think about ways that you can hold some kind of memorial service or gathering. This can be very informal, but just really an opportunity to gather with community and with loved ones to remember the ones that you've lost. To share memories, to have conversations, to share the hugs and the tears, and to offer support to each other. I think there's something that's so sacred and so profound in being in community with other people, especially as we're navigating anniversaries, recognizing that we can put some weight on our relationships. We don't have to do this alone. And if we have opportunities where we're able to gather with others, even formal or informal, we should perhaps look at ways to make that a reality for us as these anniversaries come along.

One thing I'll mention here that may be helpful, a helpful gesture as you're thinking about ways to navigate the death anniversary, it's also visiting the grave. An anniversary does not pass by where I don't – me and my family – don't not go to the grave. We go to the grave all the time to drop flowers. My kids at times will draw pictures. They'll write a card and leave it for grandma at the grave. And it's an opportunity, again, for us to not only do these sacred things where we're gathering at the grave, sometimes we'll do a balloon release, or we might light a candle in her honor, but it is just a time of remembrance. And I think that's the biggest thing here around these death anniversaries, is taking the time to remember. Remembering is, it can be painful at times, but in the context of grief at times it can also be a gift when we give ourselves the permission to just sit back and dial back the hands of time and remember the essence of who they are. To give ourselves the permission to embrace the emotions, even the sadness that comes when we're embracing those memories because I'll be at the grave and Yes, I'm remembering dancing with my mom or singing songs with her or some of our favorite activities to do. And as I allow myself the opportunity to just pause and embrace that moment, the tears roll. They roll, full stop. And I don't try to hold things back. I allow the emotions to hit because, again, oftentimes in the daily hustle and bustle of life, we try to suppress emotions at times. But when it comes to the anniversaries, this is a time where we have to be intentional about not rushing past the importance of the milestone. Taking the time to do the deep work and pause and reflect is so important as we're thinking about ways to navigate these anniversaries. So visiting the grave is definitely a key piece of this puzzle for me.

Thinking about charitable acts or donations may also be part of your journey. One thing that I am looking forward to doing is running a 5K cancer race this year to honor my mom. As you all know, she passed away from cancer, and so I look forward to gathering a team of people who are also interested in supporting me and my family as we honor her memory and raise funds for cancer researc. So you might think of something that may be useful or meaningful to you. I have people I've worked with in the past who have done scholarships to honor their loved ones at their prior university or their local nonprofit to, again, pay honor to some of the work that they may have been involved in or things that were important to them. So thinking about perhaps around these milestones, what are some honorable things that you can do to make sure that you are paying homage, to performing some act of kindness in their name can go a long way here.

Last but not least, I'll mention here, I think I'm mentioning some activities that may be beneficial here as you're thinking about how to perhaps prepare for the death anniversary or milestone that's coming ahead. But I do want to make sure I emphasize the importance of personalizing whatever it is that you're doing to your particular context. There are things that perhaps you love doing that were your thing, the thing that you love to do with your partner or your loved one or your parent or whoever it is that you are honoring in this moment. So make sure that it's meaningful to you. Make sure that it makes sense for you in your context. Whether it's planting a tree in their honor, or whether it's doing the favorite activity that you enjoyed, whether it's throwing a birthday bash in their name, or whatever it might be, whatever would make sense for you in the context of the milestone and the context of the anniversary, make sure that it's one that is personalized and something that you find meaning in and know that they would find meaning in it too.

All right, so I think those are some key strategies that I just wanted to mention here as you're thinking about perhaps how to prepare for these death anniversaries and milestones. And I would be remiss here if I didn't mention that grief is complex. And in the words of a dear colleague of mine, Dr. Julie Shaw, she mentions that “…grief is not always love.” And I just want to articulate the nuance that exists when we are grieving at times, depending on the context of the relationship with the person that was lost. It may not have been a pleasant relationship. It may be a lot of anger and hurt and resentment that might be coming up for you particularly around these anniversaries and milestones. I just want to highlight that these anniversaries can bring up some of these complex emotions and that although grief may not always be love, it does warrant the fact that we still need to take time to take care of ourselves and acknowledge where we are emotionally when these milestones happen.

All right. So that's all I wanted to share today on the first episode for season 2. I just wanted to remind us here as I'm wrapping up that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no timeline. Everyone's journey is unique and however you choose to navigate it is valid. All right. So in the coming episodes, we'll spend some time to dive in deeper into more coping strategies. I have some amazing guests coming on to talk about other types of grief. And I always love hearing from listeners. And so if there's a topic or a comment that you have from today's episode, please feel free to reach out to me on all of our social media platforms. The information is going to be tagged below in the show notes for today's episode. I want to thank you all so much for taking the time to be a part of this journey with me. Remember, it's okay to grieve in your own color. And so until next time, please take care and see you soon.

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Thank you for choosing to spend time with me on this episode of Grieving in Color. If today's episode has resonated with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from our conversation, please share this episode with them. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, your stories, and the ways I can support you as you navigate your own grief. You can reach out to me on my website at www.drchinasaelue.com or connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram @drchinasaelue. Your participation, feedback, and story help us keep this conversation going and reach those who need it the most. Remember, there's no right way to grieve. There's only your way, and every shade of your grief is valid. 

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This episode of the Grieving in Color podcast is brought to you by Rachael Sanya and Production