Grieving in Color Episode #15:

EP 15: Supporting Youth Who Have Lost Their Mother with Mary Torrence Williams

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Welcome to Grieving in Color, a podcast that explores the various ways we navigate our experiences with grief and loss in a place where we find courage to intentionally heal in our daily lives. I'm your host, Dr Chinasa Elue a professor, speaker, and grief coach, and I am inviting you to join me on this journey, embracing our grief and the full spectrum of our emotions. A palette of feelings that colors our lives even in the face of loss. Each episode we dive into real stories of healing and growth as we also feature guests who have found strength and sorrow, love and loss, and joy, even in their darkest times. Grieving in color is about acknowledging the pain, the loss, and the grief, but it is also about finding hope, love and joy again. Whether you are currently on your grief journey or supporting someone who is, this is a space for you. We are here to remind you that you are not alone and it's okay to grieve in your own color.

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Dr. Chi: Welcome to another episode of the Grieving in Color podcast, a podcast where we explore the various shades of grief and loss. I'm your host, Dr Chi, and I have here joining me today, Mary Torrance Williams, who's going to really share some insights as we talk today on our topic on supporting youth who've lost their mother. And so as we get into this very important topic, I want to take some time to read Mary's bio to you, and then we'll jump right into our interviews for today. So Mary Torrance Williams is the dedicated founder and executive director of Students Without Mothers, Inc. A nonprofit organization committed to supporting children who have lost their mothers by providing scholarships, life coaching, and grief counseling. Since its establishment in 2004, Mary has been at the helm of the organization, overseeing its growth and ensuring its mission is fulfilled. Before her work with Students Without Mothers, Mary had a successful career in advertising. She worked as an advertising executive for prominent agencies in Atlanta, including Wes Maine, McCain Erickson, and Earl Palmer Brown. Additionally, she ventured into media sales with Cox Media before establishing her own thriving advertising agency, which she managed for two decades. Mary's commitment to community service has been widely recognized. She was inducted into the Florence County School District 3 Hall of Fame in 2009, honoring her roots in South Carolina. Among her numerous accolades are the Zenith Award for service to the community from the Georgia Association of Black Women Attorneys in 2011, the Terrell L. Slayton Award for the American Red Cross Minority Recruitment Advisory Board in 2011, and the Unsung Heroine Award for Saving our Families and Children, Inc. in 2013. Mary resides in Conyers, Georgia with her husband, Darryl. They are the parents of three young adults and the grandparents of three adorable grandsons. Mary, welcome to the podcast. How are you today?

Mary Torrance Williams: I'm wonderful. Thank you for having me.

Dr. Chi: Absolutely. Mary is such a pivotal person. I have so many things that I'm excited to share as we jump off into this interview today. But Mary, I want to give you an opportunity to share with the listeners more about what inspired you to start this amazing organization and what are the primary mission and goals of Students Without Mothers.

Mary Torrance Williams: Thank you so much. Chinasa. I love talking about this organization, so thank you so much for this opportunity. I started Students Without Mothers when my daughter was in high school. I was busy running and managing an advertising agency that I founded, and my daughter came home on a regular basis telling me about one of her classmates. This classmate was having a very difficult time after losing her mom. She didn't have money for college application fees, not tuition, not books, but actually to apply to colleges so this young lady, Turquoise, was cooking meals at home and selling them to her classmates. She had several jobs. She also was a writer for the school paper. So my daughter Melanie and I would talk about Turquoise on a regular basis. But one day Melanie brought home the article Turquoise had written for the school paper. And in the article, Turquoise talked about how on her mother's deathbed she promised her that she'd get an education, that she'd help her sister go to college. And this student happened–
Her mother was from the Philippines and came to the US for a better life. And it was just so important that her kids went to college. My initial intent was to give this student an internship at my ad agency or give her a scholarship. But as I started talking with her, I realized that I had the resources to do so much more than that and that I had been tremendously blessed and it was my time to pay it forward. But one of the most interesting things about my story is it didn't occur to me until I was already formulating the nonprofit to help Turquoise that someone had done this exact same thing for me. I grew up in a small town in rural South Carolina. My family was extremely poor. My mom died when I was 14, so we were just hopeless and I had big dreams but no way to support them. And a group of strangers helped me go to college. So this effort that I was doing with Turquoise was simply a pay-it-forward moment.

Dr. Chi: Wow. Wow. Just to hear the backstory, thank you so much for sharing.

Mary Torrance Williams: Sure.

Dr. Chi: and to think about the impact that your organization has had up until now from your own lived experience, right?

Mary Torrance Williams: Yes, yes. Yeah.

Dr. Chi: And paying it forward is definitely so rewarding.

Mary Torrance Williams: It is. And our students love paying it forward as well. We've been around for 20 years, so we have students who come back and serve in various roles.

Dr. Chi: Yeah. Awesome. You know what's interesting is that I became connected with Mary when I was actually in the car one day driving and I heard a commercial and the commercial was advertising and sharing about the mission of Students Without Mothers and it instantly drew me in. And as my listeners know, I often share that I lost my mom and I'm an adult. Right? I'm like, I was still immensely devastated by losing her, even much older. And when I heard of the mission of your amazing organization, I said, I gotta get plugged in because I wanna support youth, even if my own experience wasn't losing my mom at such a much younger age. But I recognize the importance of having your mom with you as you walk through the various milestones in life. And so I'm just so grateful to be connected with you because the work is tremendously done on multiple levels. And I want to take some time to dig in a little bit deeper into some of your amazing impact in the community so far. So you mentioned you've had an opportunity to work with youth who've lost their moms for a number of years. Could you speak to some of the challenges you've seen unfold with youth who've lost their moms early on and how you've witnessed the types of support you provide help them navigate their grief?

Mary Torrance Williams: Of course, one of the things I've noticed after doing this for so many years is the challenges the students face vary greatly based on what kind of support system they have after losing their mom. So we have students who, after the loss of their mom, have an amazing dad, very few of them, because most of our students are minorities. Unfortunately, the dad isn't in the home lots of times, but the ones that do have a dad present who is a really strong father, the ones that are being raised by an amazing grandmother, which is a large percentage, and there are some being raised by an amazing aunt. But then there are those that have nobody they live with, like a cousin of their moms or somebody kind of took them in. So their challenges vary greatly based on whether or not they're still getting some love and support and they feel wanted and somebody actually cares for them. The ones that don't have that kind of environment seem to have a lot more problems with anxiety, and they just feel hopeless lots of times, and they're not sure how they're going to move forward. And those things are the reasons why making sure we're connected with grief counselors and grief coaches is so important for the organization. We know that as a staff, we're not equipped to help them in the way that we need. And as we see these things, it's just really important that we connect them with our professional counselors and coaches.

Dr. Chi: That's so amazing. And speaking to, even connecting with other community members and other mental health professionals to support the amazing work that the organization is doing, it does speak to the need to provide those wraparound services to support the youth as they're walking through this very, very devastating journey. I keep thinking about how even in these current times, my background is in education. And one thing that we're currently hearing about is the impacts of COVID on the mental health of youth and young adults as they are reintegrating back into society at large. Since COVID given what we've walked through these past several years, given the fact that Students Without Mothers has been around for the past 20 years and has lived through many iterations of what we see unfolding in society, how do we stay adaptable and responsive to the changing needs of the youth that we see within the communities that you serve?

Mary Torrance Williams: Very, very interesting question. And Covid was one of the things that taught us that we weren't where we thought we were. So when we started 20 years ago, the first few years we were happy to provide scholarships. And a few years later, we realized, because most of the students were first-generation students and from low-income families, no one close to them had ever gone to college. They didn't know how to navigate the process. So some years back, we incorporated life coaching and grief counseling to become more well-rounded. But, to get to your question, during COVID was when we realized that we needed a whole nother level of services that we'd never thought about. A lot of our students were homeless, and some had food insecurities. So after COVID and listening to our students and looking at what they were going through, we had to add social services to our wraparound services. While we are a small nonprofit and we don't have the money to provide housing and rental assistance and food and that sort of thing, we were able to connect to other organizations, which led us to bringing in student advisor volunteers, mentors who could stay in touch with the students on a monthly basis to find out what they need before their situation became dire. For example, before we had the advisors, we might not know that a student was having housing problems until they were evicted and the debt that they owed would be maybe $4,000. With the student advisor, we can learn that they're a couple of $100 short on their rent, and we do have a small emergency fund where we can plug that hole before it becomes worse. So Covid definitely taught us and in talking to and listening to our students, that they needed so much more after that. Yeah.

Dr. Chi: Ah. So many key insights there in thinking about the impacts of COVID and, even how in particular communities, especially black and brown communities, Covid ravished and took many lives in that regard. Right.

Mary Torrance Williams: It did.

Dr. Chi: It's so important to see how you're stepping in to fill this gap wherever students really need this additional support. So I wanted to ask you, you've supported students in a variety of different ways, and so how have students you've supported been impacted by your organizational efforts? And can you share a couple of success stories? Because I know you hosted annual galas and many other events that speak to the impact. Can you share some more about that?

Mary Torrance Williams: Absolutely. Yeah. We just hosted our 20-year anniversary gala, last weekend, and we had four students from the past. Four amazing students actually serve as speakers. They each gave a brief speech testimonial about how the program has helped them and sort of what they're doing now. And one of them, who was the very first student to get a scholarship in 2004, is working as a financial analyst for a huge retail outlet. And, she lives on the West Coast. She talked about how after losing her mom, she had no idea how she was going to fulfill this promise she made to her mom and how Students Without Mothers stepped in the gap and not only helped her but got her in a position to help her younger sister. So she is doing extremely well, has been married for ten years, has a wonderful family, and she credits Students Without Mothers for helping her through those tough, pivotal years after she lost her mom. And one of our students who went to Howard for undergrad, has also gotten her master's and she's an educator. She actually serves on our board of directors now. And she is very happy to be able to give back by serving on the board, by working as a volunteer. She led our silent auction efforts for the gala. We just have so many amazing students doing so many things. One of the students was sharing with me recently when we had the pleasure of going on to the Kelly Clarkson show. One of the students that attended that with me, I learned that she had no idea that she needed these dormitory supplies that we supplied her with because those are the things that moms do. And if we didn't step in and help these students with their dorm items, they would probably go away to school with just their clothes and without the other necessities. And she talked about how she had no idea why she needed all this stuff. And then she got to her dorm and went, wow, this is amazing. And we have students talking about how we help them learn to plan and how they know how to do a budget based on the financial literacy class that we do as a part of our life coach and grief counseling. So we have, after 20 years, just a number of students that are doing amazing things, that are eager to come back and serve the younger students.

Dr. Chi: My heart is just smiling, just hearing the impact stories, because, to your point, the things that a mom would do, and I reflect on, even when I went to college, how my mom was there to support me. And I can't even imagine at such a critical transition. Not knowing or understanding what supplies are needed, but knowing that your organization exists with people who know, the journey of going from high school to college and stepping in to fill the gap again speaks to the immense impact that lies there. So thank you so much for sharing.

Mary Torrance Williams: Thank you.

Dr. Chi: Yes. Those stories, I'm like, oh, my goodness, I'm smiling if y'all can see me right now. I'm just over the moon right now. So I know Students Without Mothers engages in various aspects with the community. What types of partnerships are beneficial for Students Without Mothers to continue to engage with the students you're serving, as well as the organization's success overall?

Mary Torrance Williams: Okay. Well, in addition to our wonderful coaches and counselors, the other partnerships that we have, one of the nonprofits that we partner with that's very, very valuable to us is Kate's Club. It's an organization that helps families deal with grief. And a lot of times we have a student while they come into our program at around 17, when they lose their mom, there are younger siblings, there are other family members that also need help. So we usually refer them to Kate's club to help the family deal with their loss. And since we started our social services efforts, there's a number of homeless shelters and food banks and rental assistance programs and things like that that we align ourselves with just to be able to refer our students to places when they need other help.

Dr. Chi: Thank you so much for sharing that. I wanted to ask you, you started this amazing organization. It's been around for 20 years, and we're celebrating all this amazing success. What have you learned about yourself most from your work with Students Without Mothers?

Mary Torrance Williams: Well, several things. But I think the biggest thing I learned since starting this organization, I had no idea how much I, myself, was still grieving. You think that grief has some deadline, and after so many years, you're okay and you're fine. But when I talk to these students and when I help them, I see myself, and I remember where I was at their age. And oftentimes now, I realize that my healing is also continuing, but it is refreshing to be able to help them. But it does bring back a lot of memories and also reminds me that I still need help.

Dr. Chi: That's so insightful. To your point about grief not having a deadline, I oftentimes think grief is forever. We never really stopped grieving because the essence of that love that was present in those who are no longer with us still stands with us to this very day. And so I appreciate you just acknowledging the very much so lived experiences that we walk through when we lose someone we dearly love. So I want to transition our conversation a little bit and tap into your expertise here and get some strategies. For someone who is supporting a child who's lost their mom recently. What advice might you offer to them on the best ways they can support the child who's lost their mother and is in the throes of dealing with grief?

Mary Torrance Williams: Well, two things. One is we're still looking for more resources to help the people that are supporting the students. I mentioned that a lot of them live with their grandmother when their mom dies. And I've heard from several grandmothers over the years, especially since oftentimes the grandmothers are probably in their fifties or sixties. They are talking about how they had different plans for this point in their life, and they don't want to sound like they don't want to take care of their grandkids, but they had a plan, and this is the point when they were going to be doing something completely differently. And not only are they raising the student that's in the program, there are two or three others younger that they have to see through before they can start this life that they had planned for their latter years. And so one of the things that I've been looking for is opportunities to help find places where I can direct those grandmothers when they share those stories for someone that can help them, because that's not something we specialize in at Students Without Mothers. But I do intend to try and partner with some organizations or an organization that helps grandparents specifically, that can help them navigate that and deal with some of what they're dealing with after the loss. And the other thing for us here at Students Without Mothers is we are very intentional about not trying to be an expert on how to handle grief. So the first thing we do is suggest and highly recommend and encourage that people get help, that they talk to a professional counselor or coach.

Dr. Chi: Absolutely. And, thank you for lifting up the experiences of caretakers, especially when they step into the forefront to care for the students who've lost their moms, but are also still navigating the ins and outs of their own lives as well. Oftentimes that's not a narrative you hear at the forefront at times when we think about the impact of loss, but it impacts families through and through because everyone has to step in to provide that layer of support and love that's needed during such a tragedy. So I want to see, given some of the amazing work that Students Without Mothers has done, how can we continue to raise awareness about the work that you're doing with Students Without Mothers in addition to gaining some additional support? Because I think this needs to be shouted from the rooftops, high, low. Like, people need to know this organization is here and be aware of the types of resources and support that are being curated through this organization. So what might be helpful? Can you share with us any upcoming events or trainings or ways people can stay plugged in or connected to the amazing work you're doing?

Mary Torrance Williams: Okay, well, first of all, with regards to awareness, we are so grateful for Radio One. Tim Davis and Radio one. That's where you found out about us.

Dr. Chi: Yes.

Mary Torrance Williams: And we have gotten so many amazing connections from the support we've received from him and his stations over the past couple of years. So that's how we get most of our awareness because we've been around for 20 years. We have a lot of guidance counselors and educators who had students they sent through the program five years ago, and they're still telling other students. They hear about a student in a school that has a loss, and they refer them to us. We've had many siblings go through the program, so the awareness is. Most of it is word of mouth. If people keep talking about it, it's wonderful. But as far as the other kinds of help that we need, like most nonprofits, we need more money, we need more financial support. Each year we have about eight to ten new students come into the program. And it's important to emphasize new, because when the new students are coming in, there are students still in the program at various levels. We help them from their senior year of high school throughout college. So at any given time, there are 40 to 50 students in the program at various levels. So we can only bring in so many each year. And reading the heartbreaking essays that they have to write to get the scholarship and then not being able to accept all of them is truly heartbreaking. Anybody that qualifies for this unfortunate club should be accepted. So our toughest thing is not having enough money. We need more student sponsors. We have people who sponsor a student, meaning that they are covering the full ride for the student to be in the program for five years, which is $10,000 or $2,000 a year. And all of that information is on our website. And, we're also looking for more student advisor volunteers or mentors that will walk alongside our students and get to know them and help them because we have a very small staff. So those student advisor volunteers are key.

Dr. Chi: Wow. Definitely. We will link everything below in the show notes so that those who would like to contribute and support the amazing work of Students Without Mothers can make a donation as well as get plugged into some of the things that Mary and the organization is doing in the community at large. Mary, how can listeners stay connected to you and the work that you're doing beyond our time together today?

Mary Torrance Williams: I would suggest that you go to our website and you can also apply to subscribe to our e-newsletter there monthly. We send out an e-newsletter that keeps you abreast of any upcoming events. And we also share stories about our students, about their successes and when they graduate, what they're doing now, and sometimes just their story. You know, how they came into the program and their hobbies and interests. But if you want to stay plugged into us, go to our website and subscribe to our e-newsletter.

Dr. Chi: All right, y'all heard it here. I definitely will share that information in our show notes as well as all of our social media platforms. Mary, thank you so much for sharing more with us about the amazing work Students Without Mothers is doing. Can't thank you enough for showing up on this interview and sharing with us all of the amazing success stories.

Mary Torrance Williams: Thank you so much. Chinasa, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this opportunity and you allowing Students Without Mothers to have another voice and a way to get out and get more awareness for the work that we're doing. And thank you for the support you provide to our students.

Dr. Chi: Absolutely. All right, listeners, so we're wrapping up this episode, but we want to thank Mary again for her expertise and her time in sharing more about this amazing organization. Please stay connected. If you have a student that you're supporting who's lost their mom, do know that there are amazing people who are really intentional about cultivating spaces and resources and support to help them along their journey. All right, listeners, until next time, stay safe and keep grieving in color.

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Thank you for choosing to spend time with me on this episode of Grieving in Color. If today's episode has resonated with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from our conversation, please share this episode with them. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, your stories, and the ways I can support you as you navigate your own grief. You can reach out to me on my website at www.drchinasaelue.com or connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram @drchinasaelue. Your participation, feedback, and story help us keep this conversation going and reach those who need it the most. Remember, there's no right way to grieve. There's only your way, and every shade of your grief is valid. 

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This episode of the Grieving in Color Podcast is brought to you by Rachael Sanya and Productions.