Grieving in Color Episode #12:

Episode 12 Grief after Divorce with Chiso Ori Uko

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Welcome to Grieving in Color, a podcast that explores the various ways we navigate our experiences with grief and loss in a place where we find courage to intentionally heal in our daily lives. I'm your host, Dr. Chinasa Elue a professor, speaker, and grief coach. And I'm inviting you to join me on this journey, embracing our grief and the full spectrum of our emotions, a palette of feelings that colors our lives even in the face of loss. In each episode, we dive into real stories of healing and growth, as we also feature guests who have found strength in sorrow, love and loss, and joy even in their darkest times. Grieving in Color is about acknowledging the pain, the loss, and the grief, but it is also about finding hope, love, and joy again. Whether you are currently on your grief journey or supporting someone who is, This is a space for you. We are here to remind you that you are not alone and it's okay to grieve in your own color.

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Dr. Chi: Welcome to another episode of the Grieving in Color podcast, the space where we explore the various shades of grief and loss and healing. I'm your host, Dr. Chi, and today we're diving into a conversation around navigating grief and divorce. As we were having today's conversation, I have a phenomenal guest joining me, Chiso Uko.

And before she starts to engage us in conversation, I do want to share with you her bio. Chiso was born and raised in Nigeria along with her parents and five siblings, moved to the United States in 2006 at the age of 17 for college. Her four loves are Jesus, her family and friends, and her patients.

Chiso has a heart for worship, is an avid reader, a fitness enthusiast, and enjoys swimming and all things professional basketball. Fluent in her native language Igbo, she is now learning Spanish as well as working on perfecting her guitar and piano lessons. She is a physician associate who resides in Hanover, Maryland. All right. Welcome Chiso. How are you today? 

Chiso: I'm doing well. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I'm pretty excited. 

Dr. Chi: Yes. I am so excited to have you here on the podcast with us. I've known Chiso for a number of years at this point, and Chiso has shared her story and we'll get into this conversation today. But last year she wrote a book and I know we're going to talk about some elements of that today, but she wrote a book around her experience with divorce. As I was planning for this season, I knew that this was a topic that would really be insightful to a lot of guests and listeners who have walked through this season themselves or looking for some encouragement as they are in the midst of it.

I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to join us here today on this episode. We're going to jump right in and get started. Part of your journey has been talking about the ins and outs of what led you to your decision to end your marriage. And so could you share a little bit about your journey and your decision to divorce your former spouse? 

Chiso: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. First, I just want to say that I was so excited when you reached out to me because when I was going through my season of turmoil in the marriage, I felt like I was grieving. I felt like it was a loss. I'm not saying it's akin to losing a loved one, like someone actually dying, but I felt that way. I couldn't really understand why I felt that way, but I knew what that feeling was. And so when you reached out and you sent me an email, I was like, “Yes, exactly!”

That is what that feels like when you walk through a divorce. While the person is still alive, the person is, in a sense, dead to you. I say that even as a believer. Backstory, I got married in the church, got married to a minister. And so, you get married to a man of God and you're thinking, “Hey, we're about to coast.” But that was not the case. It was what I thought was a happy marriage, which I guess turned out not to be so. And at first I just wanted out. When I found out some things that he had been doing, I said to the Lord, “God, I'm done. You said in your word that if this happens, this is grounds for divorce.”

And so I was like, “God, get me out.” And when I went to the Lord, God said, “No. That's not my type of love and I want you to stay and fight.” So I did that for a number of years. About three or so years to be exact, and it was brutal. It was brutal. I can smile now, but those three years were pretty much a nightmare for me.

And it got to the point where some things came to light, which I talk about in my book as well, but some things came to light and I went to the Lord and I said, “Okay, God. What, what do I do now?” and the Lord said to me, “Hey, I've seen you fight over the years. I've seen everything that you've done over the years to try to restore this marriage.” And some things came to light, I felt this release. And I couldn't really understand why I felt a release. Cause again, I'd been trying to get out for the past three years, but all of a sudden it was like this calm of like, “Okay, we can take our hands off. And so I went to the Lord to ask him, “What is this release?”

And he was like, “Because I've seen you fight. I've seen how much you've tried to labor to make this work. But this has to do with a man's will. And that's why you feel my release.” I said, “God, I need confirmation from your word. I need something to stand on.” And he reminded me of a word that he had given me. At that point it was just like, “Okay. Let's go ahead with the divorce.”

And interestingly enough, three years prior when I'd heard some things that my ex husband had done, I started Googling, trying to find a divorce attorney in Maryland. It didn't seem like it was English. It seemed like I could not understand anything I was reading. But fast forward three years later when the Lord released me, it was like, okay, here's an attorney. It was all just smooth sailing from there. 

Dr. Chi: Thank you so much for just walking us through that season where you were just trying to figure your way out and trying to be obedient to what you were hearing and listening to in that context. We know that divorce in a lot of ways is a non-death loss, right? In the sense that the person is still living as you mentioned, but the emotions that come on the back end mimic what we know to be grief. So could you talk a bit about some of the most challenging emotions you faced in the earlier stages of your divorce? 

Chiso: First thing I'd have to say is shame. There's a shame aspect there, you might not feel that with a death. But I felt shame in a way that I could not believe how much shame I felt. It was shame around, “Can you not keep your husband? Can you not keep your home together? Can you not keep your marriage? Was there something that you did?” All of those overwhelming feelings of shame.

I also felt shame with– cause we come from a big community, BCF church, all of that. It was also the shame of, who knows? Who doesn't know? I also felt in a way a little bit neglected, so to speak. Now I had a community that the Lord surrounded me with. My family and my church friends, praying partners, mentors. I mean, God was and always is so gracious in who he surrounded me with. But, in some ways, I felt like there were some people that knew but didn't say anything. So that felt a little bit– It just made me question a lot of things. So that was one thing.

Definitely a deep sense of loss of the way I had imagined my future to be. I planned out everything, the name of our kids, all of these things. You're just like, “Okay, we've planned it out, let's just go execute.”

When all of that just comes crumbling down, you're left with, “Okay, God. What next? I don't have a roadmap for the future.” I had to navigate a lot of that. And just crying. Honestly, I felt like I cried more in those, I want to say maybe the first two to three years–I'm sorry–first one to two years, more than I'd ever cried in my life.

I always tease and I'm like, “Hey, I emptied out my tear bag so much. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. One amazing thing is that the Lord, like I said, surrounded me with community. So people would come and cook for me. For like a year I couldn't cook. I couldn't buy groceries. I lost so much weight. It was just a whole thing. 

Dr. Chi: Wow. Thank you so much for just giving us some insights there on your process. As we're talking about today the topic of grief and divorce, oftentimes when we think about grief, we hear it around different stages that we might walk through, or the process may vary depending on how we ourselves navigate grief uniquely. And so, can you talk about what it was like to grieve the loss of a partner, even though you knew he was still alive? What was your process like? 

Chiso: So at first I was upset. I was upset at the Lord. I just felt like, “God, I didn't ask you for this man.” In the church we all grew up, they would always say, Hey, pray for your husband, pray for your husband. Whether or not you were prepared for it. And so it was a thing of, “God, I was doing perfectly fine on my own. Why did you bring this man to me.” 

I remember actually one time I went to the church building and I said, “God, we're going to stay up all night and you're going to answer me as to why you allowed this person in my life.” And I fell asleep within like, I don't know, an hour or two hours or something. But it was a thing of, “God, I'm pointing the finger at you.” So that was first. And then I realized, “Hey, I can't– I'm fighting for my sanity here. So I can't be on the verge of losing my husband, and then also lose my relationship with the Lord.”

And I also realized, “Hey, God is for you.” Even though it seems like all of this has happened, just because things happen, it does not change the goodness of God. One thing that the Lord said to me was, “Hey, my goodness is apart from you. I've been good from the beginning. I will continue to be good regardless of how the situation pans out.”

Just that realization of, “Okay, wait! God is actually on my side.” and then I ran to the Lord. I'll be honest at first, I couldn't read my Bible for a while. I couldn't. So my friends called me and they would just be reading the book Psalms over me. They'd go chapter after chapter after chapter.

And that was, that was a blessing. That was a huge blessing for me. Until I got to the point where I could read myself and I could actually stand and begin to fight. 

Dr. Chi: When we think about grief, there is a process that we walk through uniquely. And, just hearing you tell us about how you navigated the ins and outs of one, having these detailed conversations with God and really just trying to get to the root of why did this happen? What, what was this all about? But then finding your way with community that upheld you in a time where you needed it the most. So thanks for walking us through that. 

As you are on the back end of your divorce, oftentimes it's very hard to see what the future looks like when you're actually stepping away from a relationship that you thought would once last forever in this context. So could you tell us a little bit about some of the steps you took to begin to heal after your divorce?

Chiso: Like I mentioned, just my relationship with the Lord, just leaning heavily on God. There's one thing that God said to me, in the season, like, “Hey, I want you to ask me for four things before you leave the house every morning. I want you to ask me for joy that makes no sense, I want you to ask me for my grace, ask me for peace, and I want you to ask me to pour out my love in your heart just to overflowing.” And so I would always ask the Lord that because I realized that walking away from this, I couldn't do it in my strength. This was someone whom I loved very deeply.

And so, to walk away from that life, I needed God. I still need God. It was a realization that I don't just need him on Sundays or when I'm doing my devotion in the morning or at nighttime, or, at Bible study, I need him every moment because the thing about grief is that there is no structure to when the emotions hit you. It just comes. Whether you're prepared for it or not. The Lord helped me fight. There's a verse in the Psalms that talks about, you train our hands for war, you train our hands for battle. So leaning on the Lord.

Another thing I did was I went back to school. I went back to school more so because my mind needed a distraction because I just couldn't just sit at home. So I was like, okay, we're going to start working out. I'm going to go back to school and try to work on, career. So I did that. And I think also last and probably, most beneficial for me was therapy. Sometimes when we talk about therapy in some spaces, I think therapy is not something that is widely understood or the importance of it is not widely understood. But I went through Christian therapy.

I said, “Okay, well, first of all, the person has to be a believer.” Cause I need you to guide me based on the principles of the word of God. I need someone to be able to talk to that is not so closely tied to what was going on, and the Lord, I mean, he sent, she's just such a godsend to this day. So I'd say those things, community, family, therapy, school. Being busy. 

And also realizing that, when we walk through these situations, we almost feel like our lives are over. You feel like, what's the point? And I felt that way. I felt– in medicine, there's something that we would call clinical depression. And a part of that is having these suicidal thoughts. Now I didn't- I had no plans of killing myself, but I felt like, “Hey, I'd be better off not here.” What we would term like passive suicidal thoughts. And so feeling that it's just a deep sense of hopelessness of, “I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to walk back from 10 years of being together, a year of being married.”

And so when you're in that, you realize like, “I really need the Lord.” It's only God that can bring you out of that. It's only God that can heal all the broken pieces of your heart. And he uses people. He uses family. He uses friends. He uses the church. I never missed the Bible study.I was like, “We're not missing Bible study. We're not missing prayer meetings. We're not missing worship services.” The little things that we take for granted. When we're singing in worship, I'm just picturing the Lord because I'm like, “I need strength.” 

And so it can't be a distracted worship. It can't be a distracted going to church. It has to be, “I'm going to go all in so that I don't fall apart.” 

Dr. Chi: So that point around falling apart, how would you say divorce impacted your sense of identity and self-worth? 

Chiso: Interestingly enough, I was so upset one day that I actually cut off all of my hair. It was nighttime. I just took a pair– I mean, I didn't even have tools. I just took a pair of scissors and I just went to chopping. And I remember I called a few of my friends on FaceTime– because I told them I was going to text them. I said, “Hey, I'm going to do this and they start being frantic, like, oh, my gosh, no, no, no. And I just turned my phone off and I just did it.

And I remember I put my phone back on and they FaceTimed me and they were like, “OMG, like what just happened here?” Long story short, I ended up having to go to the barber and I was sitting in the chair and he was like, “What happened?” And I said, just a guy. And coming home and looking at myself in the mirror was hard because I felt like– you feel unloved. Not from family and community, all that. That was there. But you feel unloved by your spouse. You feel rejected. You just feel like you're not good enough.

And the enemy just makes you feel very worthless. And so I was standing there, even the next morning I was about to leave the house for work, and God said to me, “I want you to stand in front of this mirror and hear my word.” And he starts speaking to me and he's like, I want you to place your hand on your head and declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Start speaking scripture over yourself. And I started doing that. I just kept doing it, doing it, doing it until it was like God just infused his confidence and the way he saw me, first of all on the inside and then on the outside.

I will say that definitely affected my identity for a time, but God is so gracious that he didn't leave me there. He didn't leave me at that point of despair. It was as though I just felt the Lord reach down and pick me up. I remember– and I shared this in my book, but I remember one night I just, I wanted to hug so badly and I was like, God, I want to hug tonight. And I was like, I could go on Amazon and get a teddy bear, but it's not going to come in on time. And that night I literally felt the arms of God just hold me through the night. So for me, God went from being the God of the Bible, the God that you hear about at church to, “Hey,  this is my friend.”

There's a verse in Isaiah 54 that says, “Your maker is your husband.” So like, he is my husband. He is my spouse, And so, just the comfort of God helped me navigate my identity, navigate who I am in the Lord. And as loud as the enemy's lies were– cause his lies get very loud when you're walking through divorce or any type of grief. He's the accuser. That's the way I look at it. So he's going to accuse you to the Lord. He's going to accuse the Lord to you. And he's also going to accuse you to the people in your life. And as loud as his lies were, it's like the Bible says that when the enemy comes in like a flood, that the spirit of the Lord raises up a standard against him.

So I would always try to find out, “What does God's word say about my identity? What does God's word say about who I am?” And you keep saying it until you believe it.

Dr. Chi: In hearing you share your journey, you've had a deeply spiritual walk that has guided and helped you throughout your entire process beyond divorce. As you are now on the other side–because I know there's been a victory based on things you've shared online and we'll get into some aspects of your book momentarily–what do you think has been the most surprising aspect of grieving your divorce? 

Chiso: Do you mean in terms of the victories? 

Dr. Chi: Or just in general, what surprised you the most? You've now walked through a season where you are divorced and you're now in a space where you're speaking about it more in this context. What do you think has been the most surprising aspect of you? 

Chiso: The fact that I'm doing well, that I'm okay. And I'm beyond okay. But what I mean is the fact that I am whole, let me put it that way. Because if you'd said to me before all of this happened, that X, Y, and Z would happen in my marriage and this is where it'll land me, I would have felt that I was not going to make it. The fact that God put all of the pieces back together is number one, because it just shows me that the power of God has no limits. That's one thing.

The other thing is just all of the victories that God has brought in my life. I would not have expected to be where I am in my career. I would not have expected to have written a book. I would not have expected to be filled with joy. And it's not happiness, you know, happiness is different from joy, but just to have this joy on the inside and to be content with where I am in my season. That's only God. 

Dr. Chi: Thank you so much for sharing that piece. So as you've been talking, one thing that you shared earlier that stood out was this notion around shifts in social relationships, especially given the fact that some people were aware of some of the circumstances that led up to your divorce. And just having to take a step back and examine those relationships. So could you speak to a little bit in what ways your social relationships changed during and after your divorce? 

Chiso: I think during the process, it was more like one, I had to realize that because of how I feel with, okay, some people might know and might not reach out for whatever reason, I made a mental note that whether or not I'm close to someone if I know that they're going through something, I'm going to reach out. Sometimes my siblings make fun of me cause they're like, “You haven't even let the person process what they're going through. You've already reached out.” 

I never want people to feel alone in their season. I never want them to feel like they're fighting this alone because I know mentally what that can do, like mentally what the enemy can do with that. So I had to realize that number one, but of course I had conversations with people. I had conversations with some people like, “Hey, this is how I felt about X, Y, Z.” And they explained where they were coming from because as a believer we know that you can't hold it in and try to be bitter towards someone. You don't know why they reached out or why they did not reach out. So all of that, no beef, no qualms there at all. But it also made me appreciative of the community the Lord surrounded me with. The family, church friends, the best friends, the pastors, the ministers, the mentors.

Another aspect that I forgot to mention was, I went through something called ‘divorce care’. And divorce care was, someone random at work, she and I used to get together to pray, and I mentioned I was going through that, and she suggested divorce care. Divorce care is a program that some churches have, where you go and you meet once a week with some other people who are walking through a divorce. And that was a godsend. I didn't know anything like that existed prior but that was also a godsend. So, yeah, I think recognizing what pain feels like reaching out to people in the midst of their pain and trying to be there to support in any way that I can. And also just giving grace to those who weren't there. Because in some cases you can't control it. 

Dr. Chi: Thanks for walking us through that. To see you here on the other side of your journey is definitely a testimony. And so for someone who is at the beginning stages of walking through divorce, what advice would you give to them, especially when they're feeling overwhelmed by grief?

Chiso: Oh, that's hard. That's hard. It always… I think when I hear of people that are walking through it, the Lord has brought so many young ladies to me and we're walking through different stages of their divorce and it really hits me really hard because I know how painful that is. 

I think, one, I would say is to reach out. Reach out to people. Reach out. Just reach out to your community. Don't try to isolate yourself, which is what the enemy would have you do. So reach out to your community. Reach out to someone or a few people whom you know can really stand and intercede for you. And run to the Lord. I don't say this just to be cliche, but hey, “God I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.” It's just that being completely vulnerable before the Lord and like, “God, I need help.” I've learned to say that and I've learned there's nothing wrong with saying, “God, I need help.” So reaching out, running to a community, interceding.

I watched the movie War Room, and so I created a war room kind of space. And also the book of Psalms. I can't believe I forgot to mention that! The book of Psalms was just such a godsend to me. Like every night I just read a chapter a night before bedtime, because what happens when you're going through that is that your phone also keeps blowing up. Either you're seeing things in my situation, it was adultery. You're seeing things that are happening on your phone. People are texting you. Maybe the girls are texting me or he's sending me messages or some type of manipulative things going on there. And so you'd wake up to just being bombarded. And so the Lord is like, “Hey. All notifications need to be off before you go to sleep. The last person you're communicating with is me so that when you wake up in the morning, the first thing on your mind, the first person on your mind is me.” So that was another thing. But yeah, reach out. Reach out to me if you find me on social media or something. I'm more than available. 

Dr. Chi: So, we want to shift the conversation and talk a little bit more about some strategies and advice. And it was great to hear you walk us through what you might offer to someone who's starting the beginning stages of divorce. You've mentioned one of the key areas that you prayed for in the beginning of your process was joy. So, could you share a little bit about some ways you found joy that started to paint your life in a new direction as you were walking through your divorce?

Chiso: I believe strongly that joy is found in the Lord, and so in trying to find areas of joy, I had to step back and say, “What are some things that the Lord is doing in my life right now?” And I mean the most basic things. I would go to the store and if I find a parking spot, I'm like having a whole praise party in my car. I'm calling my friends like, “Hey, can you believe what God did?” They're like, “Chiso, it’s a parking spot.” But I was very intentional about seeing God's hand upon my life, first in the little things. First in the, I have a roof over my head, I have food on my table, I have clothes on my back. I'm not wanting for anything.

Then, okay, my career. God, I love communicating with people. I always say that I love people. And so I love talking with people and so the Lord opening this door to go into medicine and be able to serve patients, it is a source of joy for me. Being around friends, being around family, all of these things you just, I think, we sometimes take for granted because our family's always there. Our friends are always there. But realizing that every moment I get to spend with the people in my life is a gift from the Lord. So really just…I don't know…just tapping into that. Also I'd be joyful like for nothing– for no reason. 

Dr. Chi: I hear that. Yeah. I hear that for sure. So it's great to hear you talk about the ways that you've been able to stay grounded in joy, even through  walking through that season and how God was so instrumental in your process. What do you think are the most effective strategies you found for managing stress and emotional turmoil that comes around when you're navigating divorce? 

Chiso: Exercise was really good for me. I’ll be honest, I never did anything with exercise until I turned like 29 or 30 or something. I was like, wait, I think I should be exercising. But I swim basically every morning. It's such a stress relief for me. But any form of exercise. You can just get up and walk, just getting your body moving helps you. I love some other things like massages. I love spa dates - mani-pedi, those kinds of things. But also I love talking to people, sharing with people when I'm stressed. My friends and I have a code word where if we send this code word, it means, “Hey, something's up.” like the stress or the– [SOS] –literally SOS. I have the one that's in Igbo, my native language, and then we have some other ones, some of them– like I just text, “Nne” and they know something’s up. And so we intercede for one another that way. It's very important to not isolate ourselves because around divorce, it's very stressful.

One of the other stresses I didn't mention was there was this intense fear of, “God, I don't wanna have to start all over again. I don't know how to navigate the dating scene or the courting scene. I think, before I even made the decision to get divorced, it was like, “God, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to navigate this.” So that was very stressful for me. And I just had to get to the point of “God, I trust you. I don't know what you're doing. I don't know why it’s taking so long. I don't know all of that. But I just trust you.”

Dr. Chi: That's awesome. Thank you for walking us through just the ways that you've been able to still navigate your emotional landscape while navigating divorce and also sharing strategies for stress. I love a good workout. I think that has been the game changer for me even in my own journey with grief. Physical activity, I think, is underrated at times because we don't think that “I'm grieving. Let me go to the gym or let me go for a walk.” It's just like, let me isolate and incubate in my room, close the shutters and the blinds. I don't want to see anyone.
But it's the exact opposite. We need all those things. The vitamin D, the release of those endorphins and building up our energy through that physical activity. That's helpful. So that's great.

A piece of this and a more practical side of navigating divorce is the financial interest especially when you're married and all of the things that come, especially if there was not a prenup involved or anything in that context. So what advice would you give to someone about protecting their financial interest and security during a divorce, seeing how that can be a very tumultuous thing to navigate in that context. Yeah. 

Chiso: For us, there was no prenup or anything like that. Back story is that my ex-husband, he was going through school at the time he was going through pharmacy school when we were married and I was working. And so it was more of a lot of the financial things that were coming were from, “Okay, this paycheck.” We were sharing everything that was coming and we had like refund check and stuff like that, but it was more so the paycheck. And so by the time the divorce came around, he's done with school, he's working and he's doing well. And I remember when he had sent a message via one of the attorneys saying, “Hey, I'm not giving Chiso anything.”

And I remember how that felt. I remember it was like, “Hey, but I supported you through school. So now why all of a sudden are you saying, just leave her out of all of it?” And I remember I went to my sister Edea and she reminded me of what I think was Abraham who said in the Bible, “I'm not going to take anything that belongs to you so that you cannot turn back around and say, I made Abraham rich.” So it was a decision of, “I'm walking out of this marriage with my name, a few clothes, and a few personal things.” But everything else. I'll be honest I just walked away. Just because I was already dealing with the emotional devastation of all of it. And I didn't have the strength to try to fight for what I knew was rightfully half and half. I was like, “Okay, we're just going to walk away and not try to get back what we deserve.”

I don't know if I can exactly speak to that. I think if I could give advice is, just in general. Because when you get married, I believe ‘what's yours is mine’ sort of thing. So, I don't know how you go ahead splitting that. I'm not sure, actually. 

Dr. Chi: And I know– I want us to have an opportunity to talk about your book. And I know in your book, it's phenomenal if you have not read it. It's called Calm In My Storm. And Chiso really details her personal journey of navigating divorce here, especially from a faith-based perspective and how you were able to come out on the other side, standing victoriously and being able to share your story with the masses here.

If you could help someone interested in reading your book to understand the major themes or what they'll glean from your book, what shameless plug might you give today. What a reader might gain from reading what you've so graciously poured into that text.

Chiso: I would say just ways to navigate a storm, because I think people can hear, “Hey, I wrote a book about my divorce!” and they think you're about to bash this other person. That was not my intent and that can never be my intent as a believer. And so it was really me just being very vulnerable about what I went through and how God picked me up. That's it.

I talk about the devastation of heartbreak. Coming to terms with, “okay, this is the new norm,” trying some things out and them not working, and then just realizing, “Hey, I'm just going to trust God every step of the way.”

So, it's a book about a storm. It's a book about finding hope in your storm, finding the calm in your storm. Cause we all walk through storms, not just. marital, it could be with finances. It could be with kids. It could be with families. Storms are different. But just when we are faced with those storms, what do we do?

Dr. Chi: Yeah, thank you so much for sharing that. And I've read the book and it is amazing.

As we are routing out our interview today, I want to ask you to leave us with a couple of key lessons that you learned about self-care and building a supportive network during this challenging time. One of the big things about grief is that to your point earlier around this desire to isolate, that's such a key piece when we're walking through grief to just shut it down. But if you could share a self-care strategy, I know you've mentioned fitness and the massages and things of that kind. What are some key lessons that you've learned about embracing self-care and your community during this time? 

Chiso: I think for embracing self-care, one thing that I forgot to mention is being gracious with yourself as you walk through those emotions. I've heard someone say that the only way through grief is through it. So you might be doing wonderful for 10 days out of, I don't know, 28 days out of a month. And that one day, it just hits you. And that's okay. The Bible says that (God) He bottles up our tears. So when it does hit you when you do go through those emotions, it's fine to just let it all out. Because what happens when you bottle it all in is that you're not a healthy version of yourself. You cry, you get up, you wipe your tears and you keep it moving.

You can also share with people. Again, I love to share. I'm not saying I go on Facebook, like, “Hey everyone, I'm crying.” No, I'm not saying that. But the people in your community that you can say, “Hey, I'm not doing okay. Hey, I went to this wedding today and I heard the vows and it just took me back. And hey, I'm not okay right now.” That's fine to be able to share that with people. 

Taking it one step at a time. Making sure you take care of yourself, you're not doing it for the person, you're not doing it for anyone else, you're just doing it for yourself. The simplest things of get up and take a shower, because sometimes you just want to, like you said, be under those covers and be in the same pajamas for weeks. And it's like, you're stinking up the place. Get up and take a shower, you know. Get up and just get moving. Because.as much as you love that person, God didn't bring me into the world and bring my ex-husband into the world at the same time. You know what I mean? You've been living your life before and if it has come to an end, keep living your life because you're living it to the glory of God.

Working on friendships. When I got married, I did not do a good job of maintaining my friendships because I don't know about everyone else, but for me, it was OMG, I'm so obsessed with my husband at the time or my fiance at the time that everyone else just kind of fades into the background and you lose those friendships unintentionally. It's just, you're just kind of getting swept up. But realizing that even as a married woman, you need your girlfriends, as a married man, you need your guy friends. Not losing that aspect of you. When this person met you, they met you and they loved everything about you, including the relationships that you had.

So there is no sense in being too busy for the people in your life, cause you really don't know what they're walking through. Whether they're single, whether they're married themselves. So being intentional. Nothing happens without intentionality. Even when you think about it as a believer, if you don't wake up and read your Bible, God's not going to slap your Bible in your face like, “Hey, read me.” We have to intentionally get up and do these things intentionally, pray intentionally, worship or, whatever the case is. 

So just being intentional with your family, with your friends. Otherwise, you don't want to lose–
I remember someone said to me in BCF, I don't want to mention any names. I'm not going to mention him, but there was a point where I was so broken that I wanted to quit my job initially. And I remember he saw me in the church parking lot and I said I'm just having a hard time focusing. I can't really- I'm in meetings and I'm zoning out. And I said, I just want to leave my job for a bit and just relax.

And he said, what? So you want it to be that, first of all, the enemy steals the marriage, and then he steals your job too? The way he presented it was like, you can't allow that. So show up, be present, which is what I did by the grace of God, and just keep moving. It does not define who you are. The storm that you're walking through does not mean it's the end of your life, because God is still on his throne and he knows what he's doing. Even though sometimes it doesn't look like it, he knows what he's doing.

Dr. Chi: Wow. Thank you for sharing all of these gems, honestly. You said something that really stood out to me around the importance of preserving relationships, because to your point, it is very easy when you're caught in the love of it all to really put some things on the back burner. But recognizing the importance of being intentional is so key here to ensure that in all seasons we are sowing those great seeds into the friendships that we've cultivated over time.

And then one thing you said earlier that I thought was really important to just lift up here in this space is the triggers that exist after walking through divorce. When we think about grief in general, whether it's the loss of a loved one or in this case, the loss of a divorce, there oftentimes are triggers that will arise that we didn't expect or we didn't anticipate to have an emotional response or reaction to it.

I think about it all the time. For me, it was after my mom passed away. We never got a chance to celebrate her 60th birthday party. I think about going to a friend's dad's 60th for the first time and being unable to stay there because it was a trigger for me that I didn't anticipate. So when you mentioned going to the wedding and it was a very visceral reaction to the fact that “man, it’s taking me back to a time where I made similar promises as well.” I think that's an important piece for listeners to remember that there will be triggers as you walk through your grieving process, especially in the nature of divorce, but that's perfectly normal as well. 

Chiso: That's perfectly normal. Yes. Yes. Because I think sometimes we think that because you've been triggered in the case of a divorce, that you miss the person. Nah. None of that. It's just that this was a big part of your life. And so when you have those moments, it's okay to call someone up and say… and I share that because that actually happened to me. And I called two friends up and, first of all, I left. Number one.

Number two, I called my two friends up and I was like (I texted one and I called the other) and I said, I'm not doing so hot. This just happened, and this is how I feel about it. And you move on. I haven't thought about it since then. You just moved on from it, but understanding that there will be those triggers and it's okay. If listeners can take one thing away it's that it's okay when you have those moments. It's okay when you have those because we're human. just remember to be gracious. We're so busy being gracious to everyone else that we're not gracious to ourselves. It's okay if you go to a party and you think about your mom or you think about, we could have done this together or you could have celebrated my kids' birthdays with me. That's perfectly fine. And that's a part of it because you think about with Jesus, even though he knew he was about to raise Lazarus, he still, he still grieved, you know, he still wept. 

Dr. Chi: Yeah.

Thank you so much, Chiso, for just this very insightful conversation. Oftentimes it's a topic that it's challenging to talk about, but to see and bear witness to your journey as you've navigated grief has been nothing but a testimony. So thank you so much for sharing that with us.

I want to give you the opportunity to share with us any upcoming events or new information that listeners might benefit from in the future. Is there anything that you have coming around the corner that you would like to share with guests today? 

Chiso: So I have my physical book here, but I'm also working on getting ready to release the audio version of my book. That's coming up and I'm very excited about that. I do have a few book signing events that are in the works. So I think I sent my link to you. So just keep an eye on that and all of that will be posted as they become available.

Dr. Chi: Absolutely. You can definitely check the show notes. Those links will be listed below this episode. Chiso, thank you so much for joining us today on this episode of Grieving in Color. Listeners, hopefully, you were able to glean some amazing insights from Chico as we've talked today about grieving in the midst of divorce.

So as we wrap up today, I want to encourage everyone to continue to stand strong even in the midst of your grief, and continue to grieve in your own way. And until next time, see you soon.

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Thank you for choosing to spend time with me on this episode of Grieving in Color. If today's episode has resonated with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from our conversation, please share this episode with them. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, your stories, and the ways I can support you as you navigate your own grief. You can reach out to me on my website at www.drchinasaelue.com or connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram @drchinasaelue. Your participation, feedback, and story help us keep this conversation going and reach those who need it the most. Remember, there's no right way to grieve. There's only your way, and every shade of your grief is valid. 

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This episode of the Grieving in Color Podcast is brought to you by Rachael Sanya and Productions.