Grieving in Color Episode #11:

EP 11 Reintegrating into work after loss (strategies and tips)

Dr. Chinasa Elue

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Welcome to Grieving in Color, a podcast that explores the various ways we navigate our experiences with grief and loss in a place where we find courage to intentionally heal in our daily lives. I'm your host, Dr. Chinasa Elue a professor, speaker, and grief coach. And I'm inviting you to join me on this journey, embracing our grief and the full spectrum of our emotions, a palette of feelings that colors our lives even in the face of loss. In each episode, we dive into real stories of healing and growth, as we also feature guests who have found strength in sorrow, love and loss, and joy even in their darkest times. Grieving in Color is about acknowledging the pain, the loss, and the grief, but it is also about finding hope, love, and joy again. Whether you are currently on your grief journey or supporting someone who is, This is a space for you. We are here to remind you that you are not alone and it's okay to grieve in your own color.

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Welcome to another episode of the Grieving and Colour podcast, the space where we explore the various shades of grief and loss and how we intentionally explore ways that we can heal. I'm your host, Dr. Chi, and I am excited about our topic today because we're going to walk through the complexities of grieving, especially when coming back into the workplace. And so we're going to delve into a challenging, inevitable topic. What does it look like to reintegrate back into the workplace after experiencing a significant loss?

Now, I wanted to talk about this on this podcast because honestly speaking, grief does not adhere to a schedule. It doesn't clock out when we do. And so the thing is, when we experience a loss, the world expects us to return to our normal routines, including our professional lives. But the reality is we don't have the tools at times or the necessary resources to help us navigate what it means to return back and attempt to start back up our routines when it's time. And so I want to talk a little bit about how do we kind of engage in this conversation a little bit, especially when it comes to thinking about the types of support that we need when we go back to work and perhaps how do we engage with the communication that's essential for us when opening up to an employer about how we have experienced a loss. This is a very important piece as we think about how to create a supportive work environment. 

And I just want to put a caveat out here. I know not all workplaces are spaces where we feel safe and comfortable to really disclose sensitive types of information in this capacity. But oftentimes, if we could be very honest with ourselves in a variety of different ways, when we do experience loss, there is a need to disclose at times because it can impact the ways in which we show up and do our work. And it can be an especially challenging time, especially if we're expected to show up and perform at peak levels. 

And so I want to share a little bit as we jump into this topic today about my own story of going back to work after loss and then get into some strategies a little bit later in the episode I mentioned to you all when we launched this podcast, a big piece of it was around my own particular loss of my mom, and I remember specifically when I was returning to work after walking through months of just grieving her, I had the summer off to grieve and to try to make sense of this world that no longer seemed real in a variety of different ways. And so going back to work was interesting. It was interesting because I kept finding myself doing what is known as grief math. Essentially when we think about grief math– and just to give you some verbiage, something that a lot of bereaved people do is our intentional ways at times of thinking about when that person was last here or when that particular thing or item, or if it was a pat when they were last present in our lives. Right. And it's not intentional in any way, but it becomes part of our thought process. And what I mention here is that I began to do grief math the minute I went back to work. I kept thinking to myself, “This time last semester, Mommy was here,” or “This time last August she was here.” Or when I first had my first night in class, I was thinking about this time last year when I started teaching. Mom called me with this message, and so we begin to calculate the time that has passed since that person was here in relation to the new experiences that we may be experiencing in her life at that moment. So we try to measure the distance between the last moment or memory we share with our loved one. And then that moment where we realize they're no longer here and we're progressing forward and all we have left are those memories. 

And so I remember going back to work and grief. Math was heavily present in my reintegration back into work because I kept thinking about this time last year, this time last semester, this time two months ago, I began to think about, okay, I'm back at work. And yes, it does feel great to have an opportunity to jump back into some semblance of a routine. But the reality is that for me, in that moment, thinking about going forward and not having her active memory present with me was very hard and it was a significant challenge. And so I remember going back and luckily for me at the time, I had some amazing colleagues who had also walked through losses of their own. You know something? When you have great relationships and rapport with your colleagues because they looked at my face when I walked in the door and they knew that I was not ready to be there, They came up to me and they were like, Hey, T, how's it going? How are you preparing for the semester? And I just remember being in that space where I was like, Well, just taking it one day at a time, you know, I'm okay. But that OK was loaded. They could recognize that there was something in the tenor of my voice. 

And so they paused and took the time to unpack that okay with me. And I honestly just broke down crying. And I was just like, I am not ready. I'm not ready to move forward. I'm not ready to be back. And they were very kind and generous with their words. And they just said, Hey, look, we've all been here. We're here to support you. We understand and we'll support you in any way we can. And there was this something so sacred and knowing that I had people who cared about me beyond the labor I could produce in the workplace and beyond me pulling my weight in that moment. They recognized at that point in time that my humanity was on full-blown display, and I just needed the opportunity to be vulnerable. And I'm just forever grateful for having a space where I can honestly be my true self and I can honestly share those vulnerable moments, those parts of my grief journey that are really, really painful at times. But to know that I had colleagues that were there to lift me up and encourage me made a world of difference, especially as I began to integrate back into work was interesting. 

As I've transitioned and have since year five this year since my mom passed in my capacity as a grief coach, I've had the opportunity to support other professionals as they've navigated various types of loss. One interesting piece about this particular type of work is that oftentimes when professionals are going back into the workplace, they're excited to finally have a routine, to not be at home and be sad. But there's often this piece of the puzzle about what you need to make sure you're fully supported, that we don't take the time to tease out at times, and I think we don't do that because our mind honestly doesn't go there. And we recognize that, “Look, we've got to get back in here.” The bills are piling up and we've got things to do. Maybe you have some goals in mind that you set before your loss occurred, but whatever the case may be, one thing I find is that when re-integrating back into work, especially after losing a loved one, it is a challenging process. 

And I think it's important for us to think about some strategies and tips that may be helpful in the case that you find yourself in this moment, really working through your own grief and just thinking about, “Man, how do I sustain myself? How do I show up in whatever version I am today and be present and of use in doing our jobs?” And that can be hard because sometimes we don't want to be of use. Sometimes we just want to go in a corner, pull up a blanket, cuddle up, and just cry. And so that is a very real and tangible piece of this puzzle, like creating space and time to grieve. But when it's time to go back to work, we have to go. So I want to talk about some tips and strategies that may be helpful if you're thinking about things that may support you in this context. 

And so the first thing I want to mention here is the importance of communicating your needs. Again, I got to put a caveat here about being open with your employer. I have to acknowledge that especially for marginalized populations in the workplace, not all spaces are spaces where we feel safe enough to really let people know we're going through a particular moment in time where we need some more grace. People, unfortunately, at times can be very cruel and take advantage of that. So I just really want to be upfront in saying use your discretion here with who you communicate with in the workplace. But in this context, I think it is important just to mention this, that your employer needs to know at times what has happened because it's going to affect you in a variety of different ways. You don't have to share all of the key details about what happened, but communicating your situation can perhaps be very helpful in thinking about ways to support you or even adjusting some of your responsibilities while you are reintegrating back into that space. And you have to set your boundaries with this. Let your colleagues know how much you feel comfortable with them knowing about your loss, and then also share with them your preferences regarding what you want for workplace support. You may not want support for them in that capacity or if you choose that you do, then you may want it to look a particular type of way. 

So take agency in terms of what this might need to look like for you. Think about what might be beneficial for you to feel supported as you are communicating your needs in that moment, and then recognize that it may require you some time to really flesh out what this looks like as you get back into the workplace and you recognize like, Ooh, I'm not as comfortable doing this task just yet. Communicate that and set the boundary and let them know upfront, Hey, could I have a little bit more time to do this? Or Hey, come another colleague pick this up. In the interim, I'll circle back maybe Q3, Q4 and support here in this regard, I just need a little bit more time. Again, communicate your needs as needed because that will definitely be helpful for you as you're walking back into the workplace. 

The next strategy I want to offer here as you ease back into work is that when we think about this concept around time and bereavement, unfortunately here in the U.S., there really is no federal bereavement policy in place. Your organization might have some leave time that you can take. It might be personal leave, but oftentimes most companies do not have a formal bereavement policy, and at most, May affords you 2 to 3 days off of work, which is just barely enough time to do the burial and all final rites. And depending on your cultural background, you perhaps need way more than that. I know when we lost my mom, preparation for her funeral and final rites took us at least two weeks. And luckily for me, I did have summers off and unfortunately did pass away going into the summer. So I had that time. But had it been during the normal semester, I would have been at a loss for how to figure out myself because there are so many responsibilities that typically take on as things move on. And so I think it's very important to think about what you need as you ease back into work thinking about that time. And I think particularly this is a piece for leaders who are supervising others who may have walked through a loss. I think it's really important for us to think about in light of no form of bereavement policy, what other ways can you perhaps support colleagues and direct reports who are coming back into the workplace? So if possible, thinking about a flex schedule, giving a little bit more opportunities to do more remote working or flexible working, thinking about opportunities to focus on the most critical tasks that they may me to help them think through, that process may be key here because coming back into the workplace after a loss, you're not going to immediately start working at your normal pace. In fact, in a lot of ways you may find that your skill set is a bit hindered. Your pace is slower just because, again, you are adjusting to the gravity of what has happened to you. And so thinking about strategically how you might need to ease back into work is really key here as well. 

I'll also mention as you're reintegrating back into the workplace, a lot of organizations have employee assistance programs also known as APS, and these programs are especially helpful for employees in navigating a host of different areas of life. But a lot of them do offer bereavement support. And so I want to encourage you to consider tapping into your EAP program at your office. And I just want to mention here, I know oftentimes there may be some stigma around EAP programs. People are like, okay, are they going to be tracking who I reach out to in these programs? Are people going to have a record of what I talk to? If I choose to go with a professional within the EPA? I think one important thing to recognize here is that EAPs typically will connect you with the resources external to your organization, and then there are opportunities for you to go a little bit further and research who or what organization you might want to go with. And there are confidentiality clauses built in around mental health support, other types of resources that you might take advantage of. 

So I do want to encourage you in this context as you're reintegrating back into the workplace, to really think intentionally about the types of particularly mental health support you need. It's interesting in my context as a grief coach, one thing I always tell new professionals that I'm working with is that I typically honestly tell them within the first six months of a major loss. You do need the support of someone who is specifically trained in grief therapy that can really help you think about the clinical skills that may be beneficial or helpful for you in navigating that loss. 

And I'll mention here that when it comes to mental health support, I'll mention that grief is not a mental health condition. It is a natural human experience that we will all walk through in life. And so I really want to put that caveat out here to really just emphasize the importance of not stigmatizing grief, but to be honest, just putting out a really big call for support around just navigating grief and the usefulness that comes when walking with a mental health clinician who is trained in grief and can provide some support in navigating this very much soul lived human. Part of our experience, I recall very vividly when I was NSC just grappling with how to make sense of this loss. The world does not make sense to me in this context. I was able to leverage the help of a therapist who was specifically trained around grief support, who helped me navigate the ways in which I was processing all of the challenges around my mom's loss, and then thinking about how to put together some tools to help me cope effectively. 

And so I mentioned that seeking support is really key here. I typically find myself working with professionals, typically up to six months of loss after they kind of put some of these coping mechanisms into place and are thinking intentionally about ways they would like to move forward carrying their person's memory and mind with them as they are navigating loss and thinking about their future. So do think about this intentionally. You don't have to go this journey alone. In fact, I encourage you not to go this journey alone and to utilize the support services your workplace offers to help you in this context. And also, if there's an opportunity to tap into some peer support with other colleagues who have walked through similar types of loss, maybe consider joining a support group as well, whether it's internal or external to your organization. 

One other strategy I'll mention here is to manage your energy. All right. It's already hard enough thinking about waking up each and every day and putting one foot inside of the other pant leg and getting up and trying to do this routine to go into work. Right. But when we get into the actual workplace, it is important for us to take breaks throughout the workday. We cannot afford powering through the emotions or just staying busy because we don't want to think about or deal with the very tangible and real emotions that are present during the loss. And so I want to encourage you, if you have like an Apple Watch or some other device that can help support you or remind you to get up and take breaks, do that so you can manage your energy and reduce those feelings of being overwhelmed is very important to just be mindful of that because going back in to work after you experience the loss can be very, very daunting. You want to make sure that you are practicing good self-care, doing things such as eating well, eating really healthy, nourishing meals. If you don't feel like you can cook in this current moment, leveraging the meal service if you're able to or prepping meals over the weekend or bringing some family members or friends involved to kind of help perhaps, so that you can show up to work and you feel nourished in that context, getting enough sleep, that's underrated, but I can't stress that enough. I know I struggled a lot with sleep initially when I was just dealing with the initial impact of losing my mom, and I know that's a big piece of just being able to heal intentionally. 

So thinking about how can you increase your sleep regimen to make sure you have that support and then engage in some physical activity of some form, whether it's when you take those breaks during the workday, if you can step outside and take a quick walk around, that there's a local greenspace around or even just walking the halls, if you can go to the gym, do so. These types of things are definitely energy boosters, especially in the time where we know that our energy is limited as we're just trying to figure out ways to just maintain ourselves as we are coming back into the workplace. So our overall well-being is key here in thinking about how we can manage our energy, manage our strength, manage our concentration and our focus so that we can show up and whatever version of ourselves is present in that moment. So I want to just mention this point here about the importance of setting realistic expectations, especially as we come back into the workplace, because oftentimes we want to put a cap on how much time is necessary to grieve. I'm going to give myself one month and I'm and then I'm going to be right back at it. I'm going to be back like never before. Right. And I want to just put a full blown pause right here. There is no end to grief. Grief is forever. We are always going to miss our loved ones. The pain of it all is just part of our day to day. And we just had to figure out how to manage it. Right. 

So I want to encourage you in this context to remove the time caps and just give yourself grace to figure things out and working as a grief coach and supporting other professionals in this context, one thing that I've often heard is that, okay, I want to give myself six weeks just to figure it out and actually be back to normal. I can pick up all of the other tasks I need to put down temporarily in order to figure out how I'm going to cope with grief. And I'm like, Well, how about we just reimagine what this looks like a little bit more instead of thinking about, Give yourself six weeks. How about you really just remove the concept of time here and think about what do I need to be supported? How am I need to perhaps even consider slowing down my pace for a longer period of time to give myself the opportunity to really care for myself, to attend to all of the emotions that are present in this moment, so that as milestones come up, as the death anniversary rolls up, as you're encountering new experiences without your loved one, that when the emotions come and I promise you they will come, right? That you have built in some grace for yourself so that you have time to process and you have set realistic boundaries and expectations for yourself that are not confined by time. And I think that's the biggest piece here, is that I know that we live in a capitalistic society that we want to produce. We want to show up 24/7. 

But when it comes to reintegrating back into the workplace after grief, we have to give ourselves some time and time honestly is boundless. It depends on how you're processing as you cope. So be patient with yourself. Do understand that grief will impact your executive functioning, your concentration, your memory, your productivity. You're not going to be able to go out 100% when you come back in the door and recognize that it's okay to not perform at your best. In fact, this is really, really challenging at times. So adjust your goals and your expectations and make sure that you can bring your supervisor in to ensure that they are also helping you to be realistic with your expectations of yourself. I think in this context it's important to just monitor your progress along the way, reflect on your well-being, right? So taking time to do those pauses is really key here and just understanding what it is that you need to support you as you're coping and navigating the loss in and of itself. 

Last but not least, I'll offer this as we're thinking about things that may be supportive as you're reintegrating back into the workplace, create a supportive environment for yourself. I know that this may be a little bit challenging, but I always encourage people to bring in a personal item that comforts you, especially a positive one when you think about your loved one. I think one of the things that I've done is have pictures of my mom right in front of my desk. Now, that might sound bizarre to others, but I find comfort personally just knowing that she has been such a part of my life's journey and that even though she's no longer here with me physically looking at her does bring me to a space where I feel her the warmth of her presence, and I'm reminded in a very favorable way of her memory. And I just say this to offer this as a thing for you to perhaps think about as you're contemplating ways to personalize your workplace. Maybe you don't feel as comfortable putting up a picture right away. 

And I'll mention that I don't think I put up a picture of my mom on my desk within the first three months. I think it took me some time, but as I was working through my grief and thinking about, okay, you know, I don't want to lose her memory, I don't want to forget, but I do want to honor her, and I do want to carry her with me. A piece of that puzzle for me was figuring out ways to really honor her and bring her into my space every day. And so I found pictures to be helpful. Sometimes I would even bring a favorite watch that she had that I now have possession of. I will wear it at times. If I had a presentation to give at work, just as a reminder that she was with me. You know, these are things that I found to be comforting to me. So I want to encourage you to figure out what brings you comfort. What are the ways that you can personalize your work experience to really, really encourage you while you're trying to figure things out and hopefully create a positive experience for you as you're there? 

These are just some quick strategies and tools that I would just offer for those who are looking at ways to reintegrate back into the workplace, recognizing honestly that even as you are figuring out your workplace integration plan after loss, there will be periods, even a year, two years end where if is the milestone, right? I know for me personally, like when it's my mom's death anniversary, those are days that I don't go to work. I'm not on email. I take the day to myself just to sit with my emotions and to just give myself the space to process what's going on. If I'm crying and if I'm watching videos, if I'm looking at photos, that's my time to just sit with all of it and not have to worry about what's going on in my inbox or that presentation that's there. I think we have to honor the fact that when these milestones come up, if it's her birthday anniversary, same thing. I'd take off work that day. I'm just very mindful that although I may feel like I'm in a good place, I always know that when those anniversaries hit, I need that time. 

And so I want to encourage you to think intentionally about how you are marking time for yourself. How are you taking time away to care for yourself as you are reintegrating back into the workplace and also thinking about how you exist in the workplace? What such a deep, deep void that is present and that will honestly be with you for the rest of your life. These are some strategies I wanted to offer today on this episode of Grieving in Color. Just reminding us again in this context that it's important to give yourself grace and space and communicate your needs and boundaries clearly to your employer and colleagues. You have to find what works best for you in this space and give yourself grace to heal at your own pace. All right. Remember, healing takes time and it's okay to ask for help along the way. Well, that concludes today's episode of Grief and in Color. And so next time, please take good care of yourselves. Reach out to me with your thoughts on this episode. The link to do so is in the show notes. Here you all have a great day. Look forward to seeing you again soon. 

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Thank you for choosing to spend time with me on this episode of Grieving in Color. If today's episode has resonated with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from our conversation, please share this episode with them. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, your stories, and the ways I can support you as you navigate your own grief. You can reach out to me on my website at www.drchinasaelue.com or connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram @drchinasaelue. Your participation, feedback, and story help us keep this conversation going and reach those who need it the most. Remember, there's no right way to grieve. There's only your way, and every shade of your grief is valid. 

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This episode of the Grieving in Color Podcast is brought to you by Rachael Sanya and Productions.